After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study – then canning all that nonsense – Sunday’s World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football’s latest revolution, the new style of ‘Total Bastard Football’.
The totaalbastaardvoetbal tactical theory relies on a perpetual and fluid interchange of positions, demanding that all outfield players, be they a tightly-permed midfielder or even a bald midfielder, are able to boot any team who dares to play football against them firmly into touch. The system places great physical demands on players like Mark van Bommel and Nigel de Jong, as they must boot them up and down the entirety of the pitch, covering every blade of (thankfully absorbent) grass on the pitch.
Though presented here for the first time on Sunday, the style has its origins in 1970s lower-league Dutch football. The chief architect was Dutch legend Johan Knuyff, the inventor of the famed ‘Knuyff Turn’, which involved ‘knuyffing’ down anyone who turned you.
Though they may have lost the final 1-0 to Spain, the birth of Total Bastard Football has presented the Holland team with previously unimagined possibilities. “Before I was simply viewed as a biscuit-kneed aesthete”, mused striker Robin van Persie, “but now I’m moving into acting, with auditions lined up for a series of interchangeable 80s high-school jock bullies. Take a hike, dicksplash! Actually, I used to know a Dick Splasch”.
Asked for a comment on this new Dutch style, Johan Cruyff replied : “Que?“
Exscehllent and schpot on
[…] Dutch unveil new brand of ‘Total Bastard Football’ “After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study – then canning all that nonsense – Sunday’s World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football’s latest revolution, the new style of ‘Total Bastard Football’.” (Fisted Away) […]
RVP reminded me of James Franco
in that photograph
I can’t think of James Franco without imagining this now:
http://videogum.com/72521/the_lost_james_franco_ucla_com/awards/
[…] Dutch unveil new brand of "Total Bastard Football." [FistedAway] […]
[…] Link: Dutch unveil new brand of 'Total Bastard Football' « Fisted Away […]
[…] Dutch unveil new brand of "Total Bastard Football." [FistedAway] […]
As the trackbacks indicate, this is beyond brilliant. Great stuff Nick!
[…] for abandoning ‘total football’ for what Fisted Away, hilariously called “Total Bastard Football.” However, artistic football is not the only path to victory and Bert van Marwijk and his […]
[…] Dutch unveil new brand of "Total Bastard Football." [FistedAway] […]
[…] The only thing sharper and more brilliant than that sweeping Spanish attack was Nick Dunmore’s satire of the latest incarnation of Dutch Football, known simple as “Total Bastard Football.” You must read it. Here. […]
[…] Dutch unveil new brand of ‘Total Bastard Football – "After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study – then canning all that nonsense – Sunday’s World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football’s latest revolution, the new style of ‘Total Bastard Football’." […]
The photo of De Jong with that expression of total bastarditude fits so well.
[…] for abandoning ‘total football’ for what Fisted Away, hilariously called “Total Bastard Football.” However, artistic football is not the only path to victory and Bert van Marwijk and his […]
[…] The first, FistedAway, caused much bemusement with an article on the Dutch World Cup team. While Cruyff guided Holland to a clockwork version of the Beautiful game in the late seventies, Nick accurately named the current version as “Total Bastard Football.” […]
Thank you for your awsome article. I will keep an observation about your own blog, i allready bookmarked it to own list 🙂
Thank you for the awsome post. I will keep an observation about your website, i allready added it to own list 🙂