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Posts Tagged ‘Arsene Wenger’

Tomas Rosicky

Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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FistedAway EXCLUSIVE: With Hull chairman Adam Pearson having placed Phil Brown on gardening leave with nine games left of the season. FistedAway can now bring you exclusive extracts from his garden diary, sourced from his kitchen table via an unlocked back door.

Monday

Made a great start today, just call me Phil Brownfingers! Brought in a few new plants early doors in anticipation of the coming season, and what can I say – they have worked a treat. A lot of people who walked past thought that I would struggle early on, that my purchase of that flashy Brazilian plant was doomed to failure. “It’s just not suited to the British climate” they all said. Well Phil Brown has shown them, shown the ruddy lot of them. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I think I have the qualities needed for the top gardening job in the country. Presenting Gardener’s World on BBC television. Oh, and I am really quite good at the trumpet.

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Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly – do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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jasper-carrott

Bad blood rose to the surface of old wounds at the Emirates on Saturday. Following a deeply unfunny quip from the stadium announcer, the Birmingham City fans in the away end launched into a lusty appreciation of the ‘funny’ man and City fan Jasper Carrott, disgusting Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

“Frankly, that is atrocious” spat Wenger. “They will not be remembered for the quality of their comedy choice. Stewart Lee grew up in the West Midlands, they could have picked him instead. More than that though, the insensitivity they have shown is the worst aspect of all this. Alan Davies was here, I don’t know how he felt about the chants. Still, he hasn’t been anything resembling a comedian in years, so may not have even noticed”.

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