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Posts Tagged ‘Manchester United’

Fergie Wine

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best – Football and Music :::

[TV anchor] “And finally a curiosity item from Walsall in the West Midlands where a dedicated Manchester United fan claims to have found the likeness of Sir Alex Ferguson, the former Manchester United manager, now a director at the club, in a wine stain. We go over live to our junior reporter Brett Silverton to investigate….”

[SWITCH TO OUTSIDE BROADCAST]

[Reporter] “Daryl Nonentity is not your average consumer, not by any means. This mailroom operative is a dedicated fan who himself confesses to be an obsessive on the one subject. That subject being the football team Manchester United.

Over the years Daryl has watched every match on his vintage Sharp 24” television. (He wants to get a flatscreen TV but refuses to upgrade until Manchester United partner with another television manufacturer). He has bought every Manchester United endorsed product, from Epson fax machines to Toshiba heart monitors (!). His diet is a strict one of Man United official partner items, mostly beverages such as Smirnoff vodka, Thai beer and the occasional can of imported Kagome tomato juice.

Daryl does not look well.”

MU Bedroom

“His house, as you may have guessed is painted all in red with tins of Kansai paint, shipped in from Africa. This has got him into disputes with his neighbours and the local council though, but Daryl remains steadfast and is determined to add the Manchester United club crest on the roof sometime this summer.

Then one afternoon as he was viewing his favourite television channel… tell us what happened next Daryl.”

[Daryl] “Well since he’s retired, our glorious leader has been finding other things to do – and luckily for me that involved his new programme on MUTV called: ‘Alex Ferguson’s Chilean Wine Selections’ – So there I was, watching his show. I’ve never missed an episodes you know, I’ve bought every wine he’s mentioned. So anyway, I was pouring a glass of the 2005 vintage Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon-Syrah in synchronisation with The Gaffer on the show when some of it splashed over me. I looked down and I immediately recognised the knight of the realm, the saviour of the Old Trafford, looking right at me.

It was as if he was saying to me; “Hey there Big Yin, Why d’ya go’an do that?

I called my wife in from the Manchester United partnered Kutchenhaus fitted kitchen and shown her the new wine stain on our new Man United endorsed Velocity Fabric reclining 4-seater corner sofa.”

[Interviewer – to wife] “And what did you say when you saw that ?”

[Wife] “I told him what I always telling every bloody day. Stop eating those Paul Scholes Mister Potato savory snacks, stop going online and ordering those pissing Mamee Noodles from Malaysia AND STOP DRINKING THAT FUCKING SINGHA BEER !
Sorry. Can you bleep that ?”

[Interviewer] “No, we’re broadcasting live.”

[Daryl] (popping his head in from the living room) “MUTV ?!!”

[Interviewer] “No.”

[Wife – to husband] “Tell him about your other discoveries. Tell him about about the time when you saw Ryan Giggs in a Nando’s chicken nugget, or when you thought you saw Wayne Rooney in your poo – and that oily rag which you told me had the Phil Jones face.”

[Daryl] (looks embarrassed) “Yes well… anyway… Do you want to see this stain then… it’s on one of the seat covers…”

(Daryl looks down to sofa but the seat cushion is missing.)

“Darling ? Have you seen the cushion with the stain…?”

“Yeah it’s in the washing machine” (She replies)

(Horrified the man rushes to the kitchen and in his haste, slams into the machine door. He looks at the Hotpoint logo, but it seems to be peeling off, he grabs and pulls… another logo underneath..and it says…

Liverpool Candy

[Wife] “I’m leaving yer. I’m going to live with me Mam in Bootle.”

*DOOR SLAMS*

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Roberto Mancini waves an imaginary card. Not sure if it is red or yellow. Could be anything he likes, really.

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

  • shadowplay,
  • miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
  • and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

(more…)

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Dimitar Berbatov playing in consecutive games shocked several United fans, but also raised red flags in other quarters. Where? Well, the DWP, that’s where. Why? It seems that after a brief investigation, the Bulgarian played a pivotal role in a welfare abuse scheme. How?

(more…)

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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FistedAway are pleased to welcome back the influential thinker and the founder of analytical psychology, Ashley Jung. Ashley previously psychoanalysed the goal celebration of Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka in an attempt to help us understand the deep rooted psychological reasoning behind it. Refreshed by a move to Manchester United, Ashley has decided to focus on new LA Galaxy signing Robbie Keane:

Upon completing a score Mr Keane will canter towards the nearest corner flag, executing a half cartwheel, half forward roll before playfully spraying fans with a hailstorm of imaginary bullets. Is Mr Keane suggesting, as I did, that:

“Nobody, as long as he moves about among
the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble”

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Slur Alex
::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Sir Alex has a long-held reputation for suffering no fools and making his voice heard. However, this time his tongue has gotten him into serious trouble, invoking a lifetime “no-touch-line” ban for all gentlemen clubs forming part of the Foxy-entertainment Association (FA). Why, you may ask? The following may shock you.

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Following a fine season for both club and country, timid boyish French national goalkeeper Hugo Lloris has caught the attention of some of the world’s top clubs, and Scottish indiepop band Belle & Sebastian. Whether making heart-stopping saves, squinting wistfully up the field at the other, more popular players or clutching the ball to him like Aloysius, Lloris is a man in demand.

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