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Posts Tagged ‘Newcastle’

When a transfer window closes, a door opens; Andy Carroll’s landmark £35m move from Newcastle to Liverpool, broke not only the transfer record for a British player, but also racial boundaries. The date of Wednesday 2 February shall ring through the ages, as this was the day when James Lawton of the Independent chose to describe the striker as “raw”, a new era of equality and understanding between races dawned, as the young Carroll became the first white player to be described in these vaunted terms. (more…)

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"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

Like the resplendent Alan above*, I have been taking a break from the WASKAF posts. I’d love to pretend that this was because my Saturday nights have all been spent larging it in Faces with second-string England players, but in reality it has been post-traumatic stress. After about four WASKAFs, I realised that  I could just post the same thing each week. Given that it is called “What Alan Shearer Knows About Football’, the temptation to put up a blank post was huge. Perhaps, I could just steal the idea from Pitchfork’s famous review of Jet’s second album?

I am in awe of the sacrifices made by people who have to be with him every week; paying attention, looking interested, minimising all sighs. For this, my heart goes out to the entire Match of the Day staff, all his former teammates, and the Shearer family. This is for you.

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Kinnear

"Faackin ballacks"

A Fisted Away January Transfer Window EXCLUSIVE:

Joe Kinnear has been voicing his intent to add depth to Newcastle’s first team swearing squad since extending his contract at the end of November. Now it seems he has drawn up what the manger has excitedly described as a “bollockbusting” list of January targets writes Nigel Spickanspan.

Having failed to lift the club out of the bottom three, some of the fiery manager’s cuss choices have been called into question in recent weeks; star insult Fuck has been dragging its heels over a decision on a new contract, whilst growing injury problems have depleted the ranks of Kinnear’s ‘balls and bollocks slurs’ derived defensive line. Fan-favourite Arse is sorely in need of a rest, but Kinnear is wary of risking youth-team profanity prospects like Gaylord and Jerkface in a relegation battle. Former club legend Ruddy Hell now has his best years behind him, and has decided to retire at the end of the season to focus on a coaching role at the club.

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"WHY?"

A troublesome showing from wor Alan this week. After a stellar season debut last week, he now seems distant, petulant and uncomfortable; it was like watching a man who was completely unsuited to media work, rather than the man who we know and love who is triumphantly unaware that he is completely unsuited to media work.

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