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Posts Tagged ‘craig bellamy’

FistedAway EXCLUSIVE:

Roberto Mancini’s scarf has broken its silence after joining the manager in England to take charge of Manchester City. The fashionable item of neckwear opens up about its tough Roman upbringing and quickly becoming a fashion icon in a Premier League sadly lacking in chic after Jose Mourinho’s jacket followed the ‘Special One’ to Inter Milan:

When you look at me, what do you see? An item of clothing that is both practical and stylish, cosy, but –  dare I say – cool? Sure, image is important – but I am so much more than something to look at, idolise, and then buy a £8 replica of in the Manchester City Club Shop.

I have always wanted to come to England and have the opportunity to be worn in some of the greatest stadiums the world over, places my heroes have graced. You know the calibre of accessories I’m talking about; David Pleat’s slip on shoes, Ryan Gigg’s detachable chest hair or Iain Dowie’s fright mask. It says a lot about Roberto that he was willing to come here for me, and not, despite what any of you gossip queens out there might think, because my colours match those of Manchester City…

Oh, I cannot live this lie any more! The truth is that deep down, I have always been a Lazio scarf.

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Following a successful recent loan spell, Gianfranco Zola is looking to make Snow a permanent signing. “Snow’s contribution to the Wolves game was the best striking performance of our season” said the increasingly haunted spectre of a once hirsute Shire horse.

Full story: Daily Mail

Harry Redknapp has signed some gritted dripping Slush, and despite its lack of consistency and rapidly depreciating ability, awarded it a contract of  £80,000 a week.

Full story: The Guardian

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Stuart Hall's World of Zoos

ROLL UP! ROLL UP! I am Stuart Hall. HA HA! Back again to take you firmly by the hand – HOY! – and guide you around some of the zoological treats on offer on this wonderful planet. Earth is indeed our mother, and I am her adopted son. The moon is my awkward stepfather.

After being forced to enter the confines of Manchester United zoo, and having just been released from self-imposed quarantine I am excited to tell you dear readers that I am going to be taking you for a tour around a Zoo that is very close to my heart, CLOSE TO MY LOINS! In fact it is close to all my zones erogenous or otherwise. Have you guessed where our travels will take us today? What wondrous delights I have in store for you? (Er, Stuart… it says Manchester City in the title? – ed). THAT’S RIGHT! Manchester City Zoo, my beloved, my wife AND my mistress. Sometimes I go and rub myself against its railings, but often the police move me on. DO THEY NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?

Evidently not.

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Kieron Dyer, pictured here in happier times convalescing at Faces

Kieron Dyer, pictured here in happier times convalescing at Faces

Fisted Away EXCLUSIVE: Kieron Dyer has spoken candidly about his recent nightmare of health, and his hopes to make a competitive return to the treatment table as soon as possible, reports Nigel Spickanspan

“These past three weeks have been the longest of my life”, a tearful Dyer confessed. “You get depressed very easily, and getting up each morning has been a real struggle. Sometimes it has still been dark”. The daily rigours of training have come as a shock to Kieron Dyer. “I’m out all day, running about in a bib like a fool- a bloody fool. Then I have to stay back for ‘conditioning’ work. Sometimes I don’t get home until after 3pm. I couldn’t even tell you what is happening in Neighbours any more. Sure I could catch the 5.30pm showing, but that clashes with Cash In The Celebrity Attic.

“Sure, people  might say “So what Kieron? You earn more in a week than most people do in a year“, and those peasants would be right. But I’m not that kind of player – it’s always been about more than just wonderful, delicious cash to me. Its about being able to watch Loose Women as well. Yes, the show too.”

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