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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Gareth-Barry

Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.

Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ’em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.

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Tomas Rosicky

Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

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Looky, Shouty, Pointy, Hungry, Oi-oi!, Bleurgh

A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.

The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44” Lovejoy.

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A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

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Reports emanating from the locality of the Sky Sports News ticker suggest that the managers of the bottom five Premier League clubs have ordered their players to shoot on sight, in an attempt to ease their goals crisis and avoid relegation.

However, several current squad members and meddling ex-players who are out of work at the moment, have criticised the move and blamed their under pressure Gaffers for sparking a panic-shooting crisis. News has been filtering out of training complexes throughout the day, revealing 2-3 hour long queues in shooting practice, ball rationing and even fisticuffs as tempers flared in the unseasonable warm weather.

With some clubs worried they will run out of goals completely before the end of the week, special measures have been put in place.  This has included sessions after training where players can top up on goals, as well as giving them special dispensation to store up to 5 goals at home, just in case.

This advice was latter withdrawn after industry experts warned that keeping goals at home could be dangerous. One unnamed player suffered 40% bruising all over his body after trying to decant some of his goals into the kitchen sink.

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Neil Lennon, whispering sweet nothings

Celtic manager Neil Lennon has taken the bold move of publicly revealing his tactical plans for the remainder of the 2011-12 season:   playing himself, up front, on his own.

With Celtic in contention for both domestic cups, while also enjoying a 21 point lead in the Scottish Premier League, Lennon denies that the timing of his new tactics have anything to do with the current difficulties at Rangers – now reportedly in danger of not completing the season.

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