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Posts Tagged ‘Ronaldo’

"...and I ALMOST forgot to thank Jesus"

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

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"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

Like the resplendent Alan above*, I have been taking a break from the WASKAF posts. I’d love to pretend that this was because my Saturday nights have all been spent larging it in Faces with second-string England players, but in reality it has been post-traumatic stress. After about four WASKAFs, I realised that  I could just post the same thing each week. Given that it is called “What Alan Shearer Knows About Football’, the temptation to put up a blank post was huge. Perhaps, I could just steal the idea from Pitchfork’s famous review of Jet’s second album?

I am in awe of the sacrifices made by people who have to be with him every week; paying attention, looking interested, minimising all sighs. For this, my heart goes out to the entire Match of the Day staff, all his former teammates, and the Shearer family. This is for you.

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Stuart Hall's World of Zoos

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Stuart Hall here crouched ready to spr-r-ring into action and take you on another whistle-stop tour of one of the world’s top zoos. As a Manchester City fan, the choice of this instalments zoo pains me – BUT! I have taken a thorough dip in disinfectant and donned my hazard suit, so let us begin. Today we take a trip to the self appointed ‘biggest zoo in the world’. A zoo which, though based in Manchester, is a favourite with southern types who think nothing of abandoning their local zoos and then strut around like they have the largest genitalia known to human kind just because their adoptive zoo finishes at the top of the zoo premier league. It’s a BLOODY DISGRACE. Of course the facilities are nice, and the range of animals on offer is exceptional, but like the lion in the Wizard of Oz it sadly has no heart.

EEeeenough! “THE ANIMALS STUART!” I hear you cry it heartily, with whiskey-soaked passion, like David Moyes shouting at himself in a mirror. “NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU GINGER BASTAAAD, YOU SAID SAHA WAS OVER HIS INJURY TURMOIL! DAMN YOU MIRROR-MAN“. But I knew Louis would continue to have problems and I don’t talk to myself in the mirror, so I shall digress no further.

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