Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘WASKAF’ Category

shearerpres

The excitement was palpable around television centre this morning, as excited BBC fans  welcomed back legendary pundit Alan Shearer in advance of this afternoon’s televised game between West Bromwich Albion vs Newcastle United. In advance of his triumphant return to sitting on a sofa, FistedAway spoke to the fans in a not-at-all ghoulish, exploiting-the-mentally-ill fashion.

“We’re over the moon, I can’t believe it. He knows that sofa inside out.” enthused one fan, adding “If you cut Alan, he bleeds the licence fee”.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

Like the resplendent Alan above*, I have been taking a break from the WASKAF posts. I’d love to pretend that this was because my Saturday nights have all been spent larging it in Faces with second-string England players, but in reality it has been post-traumatic stress. After about four WASKAFs, I realised that  I could just post the same thing each week. Given that it is called “What Alan Shearer Knows About Football’, the temptation to put up a blank post was huge. Perhaps, I could just steal the idea from Pitchfork’s famous review of Jet’s second album?

I am in awe of the sacrifices made by people who have to be with him every week; paying attention, looking interested, minimising all sighs. For this, my heart goes out to the entire Match of the Day staff, all his former teammates, and the Shearer family. This is for you.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Back from international week, Alan was refreshed, restored, and radiating the matchless confidence of a man who knows he will never lose his cushy job of sitting legs akimbo on an angular sofa and talking for up to 4 minutes at a time.

It’s very easy to mock the intelligence of footballers- some would say it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but in Shearer’s case the fish have left the barrel, gone to the spare room above the garage, written suicide notes, gulped down a warming mug of heroin and calmly placed shotguns into their fish mouthes. Exhibit A: his opening salvo after the Liverpool vs Wigan game: “Some top players on show from both sides- and I include Wigan in that“.

Sigh. Go on, sigh again.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

"WHY?"

A troublesome showing from wor Alan this week. After a stellar season debut last week, he now seems distant, petulant and uncomfortable; it was like watching a man who was completely unsuited to media work, rather than the man who we know and love who is triumphantly unaware that he is completely unsuited to media work.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

"I am trapped in a glass box of irrelevance"

Alan performs the mime:"Trapped in a glass box of irrelevance"

Yes…he’s back. Looking resplendent in a lilac shirt with a white collar that delightfully off-set the strange fudgy hue of his skin, wor Alan has clearly enjoyed his time away from the bearpit of Match of the Day punditry. However, in spite of the break he was match fit and on top form for his debut on his eponymous blog. He got in to it early doors; when asked for his opinion on the stramash involving Newcastle United, his insight gained from the ambassadorial role at the club shone forth in the determinist observation: “I think something has to happen

(more…)

Read Full Post »