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Posts Tagged ‘Manchester City’

Gareth-Barry

Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.

Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ’em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.

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Roberto Mancini waves an imaginary card. Not sure if it is red or yellow. Could be anything he likes, really.

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

  • shadowplay,
  • miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
  • and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

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Mario Balotelli's house

A lone firefighter emerges from the smoke of a bathroom in Mottram St Andrew, Chesire.

Crushing spent fireworks underfoot, he holds in his right hand a crumpled and singed scrap of paper.

Fisted Away has been given exclusive access to this fragile yet terrifying parchment.

We present: Mario Balotelli’s Manchester City Christmas Party-planning brainstorm.

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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Quiet kids, Daddy's trying to not work.

Carlos Tevez has today announced his attention to spend his recent club suspension refusing to engage in any way with his children, Florencia, 6, and Katie, 2. Manchester City handed down the suspension to the errant striker after he disobeyed manager Roberto Mancini’s orders for him to come on as a substitute, so Tevez has decided to bring his work home with him.

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Paul Hart's eyes tender resignation from his face

Following Swindon Town’s relegation to League Two, Paul Hart’s eyes have formally tendered their resignation. With an Easter Monday loss to Sheffield Wednesday sealing Swindon’s relegation, Hart’s eyes resigned from his face in a tearful post-match meeting with Town chairman Andrew Fitton.

It comes as the latest blow to Paul Hart’s increasingly troubled physiognomy, with key players – both ears and his nose – refusing to sign new contract with the face and slowly heading for the exit at the end of the season. (more…)

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

We first broke the news about Ronaldo’s bad behaviour in December, when his lust for breaking goals and boundaries threatened to tear Madrid apart at the seams. Then, in February, we followed up on the story as the Alonso-CR9 penalty dispute shed light on the locker room frustrations among the merengues. And now, with Madrid winning a record number of games but still behind Barcelona, we report on the Pellegrini reports. You see, the Chilean’s job is in jeopardy. Manuel finds himself on the hot seat not for his team’s tactics on the pitch, but its antics off it.

In February, when Barcelona looked unbeatable and Madrid faced a mountain to climb, the Chilean looked across the pond (Ed.- it’s a big pond) for inspiration. He saw how the John Terry scandal had united both Manchester City and Chelsea. He realized that only a similar style of adversity could unite his group. And he knew just the slick haired gentleman to play the part of cuckold-doodle-doo.

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