Posts Tagged ‘matt smith’


Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel, yeah? Martin is derived from ‘God of War’ and Samuel means ‘God has heard’. Get that? ‘God of War, God has heard’. God fears ME.

I can tell from the way that you look deep into my beards that you want to lay your head there and go to sleep. I like to watch you breathe and feel your hot breath waft through my bearded forest.

This week my beardy eyes have been drawn to Giles Smith’s ‘Top 50 Chelsea Players’. All well and good I thought, but someone should get the leading authority on Chelsea Football Club to write their own list. Unfortunately Tim Lovejoy wasn’t available, so I’ve been asked to do it instead.


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Cleaners at the Orange Arena have discovered that visiting ITV pundit Edward ‘Teddy’ Sheringham has actually been continuing a solitary discussion of the most obvious talking points of the Netherlands vs England friendly for almost a full week after the match ended, without anyone noticing.

“I could hear a whinnying unmodulated drone coming from the room, but I assumed that Edwin (a new member of the stadium cleaning team) had just left the humidifier on again” revealed head cleaner Dirk van Cleef. “He is such a slungel!”

“Yes, Edwin too” added van Cleef.


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"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Alan"

"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Gary"

Saturday’s Hull vs Milwall cup-tie left over 50 seats in the KC Stadium in ruins. Many hundreds more were scuffed, leading to local hardware stores being overwhelmed. Yet the Match of the Day team have controversially refused to transmit the Disasters Emergency Committee Hull Crisis Appeal, reports Nigel Spickanspan

Speaking at a press conference, Gary Lineker said “We are passionate about defending Match of the Day’s impartiality. We worry that such an emotive and political story would compromise our commitment to kneejerk punditry, mawkish backslapping and the commodifying of football as light entertainment. We worry about being seen to endorse something which could give people the impression that we were backing one side. When in reality, even if we did show it we would much rather stick something like this right at the end of the show when most people have turned off in frustration at our tiresome ‘banter’ “.


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