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Posts Tagged ‘Sepp Blatter’

The football world has been thrown into disarray by the release of several private files from Deportivo de La Coruña winger Riki’s laptop computer, available to view on the notorious website Rikileaks. FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has condemned the leaks as “an attack on the international football community, worse even than mine”. UEFA president Michel Platini meanwhile has dismissed the release as imperialist propaganda.

It is believe that an as yet unnamed member of his staff (possibly that pool guy with the shifty eyes) gained access to his computer despite being required to enter a password. It is also not known how the perpetrator managed to crack the complex alphanumeric password ‘Riki1‘ so quickly. The data was then downloaded to a blank disc, disguised as an Enrique Iglesias album, and smuggled out.

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Following fresh accusations of vote-buying, the Russia 2018 World Cup bid team has sought to reassure FIFA with a clear, open and transparent bribe.

Speaking at a press conference in the bid headquarters of an abandoned steel mill, bid chief Alexei Sorokin expressed his disappointment at the fact these accusations were mentioned without using any of the code words. “Hosting the World Cup in Russia would be a monumental occasion and we would not dream of doing anything to damage that”, urged the bid chief. “Of course, we also wouldn’t dream of doing anything to your kneecaps, or that soft, soft face”.

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John and Edward, or, as they are more popularly known "Those Fucking Twins"

Following FIFA’s refusal to grant Ireland an unprecedented 33rd spot at  next year’s World Cup in South Africa, ITV have revealed that the FAI have now sensationally requested that Jedward be reinstated into the occasional singing contest X Factor.

Simon Cowell appeared at a press conference yesterday to  read out a prepared statement in between bouts of laughing into his hand. “The FAI have asked – pfffft! – very humbly -fnarr– “can’t we be act number 5?”. Bwaaa! Yeah, they have asked for that really. It’s almost as if they haven’t thought about the ramifications of this at all, and are just trying anything now”.

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