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Posts Tagged ‘Robin van Persie’

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences. First, Robin Van Persie was playing soccer. Second, Arjen Robben was playing soccer. Could it be true, we thought? Have they conquered their injury troubles? We did a little digging though, and soon Van Marwijk’s terrifying plan came to light. And beware – it flies in the face of reality.

As any Arsenal fan can attest, Robin Van Persie is the perfect forward – a good frame, increasingly two-footed, and with a wonderful pivot, the Dutchman can dominate games when fit. That, however, has been the sticking point: “when fit.” Van Persie suffers from a unique medical condition known as “soresy ankles”, in which the slightest anticipation of pain causes them to cave in. Van Marwijk fields Van Persie when fit, but grew frustrated by the chronic injuries. He hatched a plan – could he create the perfect player by eliminating the boy’s ankles? Or replacing them? But how? And with whom?

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After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study – then canning all that nonsense – Sunday’s World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football’s latest revolution, the new style of  ‘Total Bastard Football’.

The totaalbastaardvoetbal tactical theory relies on a perpetual and fluid interchange of positions, demanding that all outfield players, be they a tightly-permed midfielder or even a bald midfielder, are able to boot any team who dares to play football against them firmly into touch. The system places great physical demands on players like Mark van Bommel and Nigel de Jong, as they must boot them up and down the entirety of the pitch, covering every blade of (thankfully absorbent) grass on the pitch.

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robinvanpersie

Head on over to the incomparable The Run of Play to read our guestpost featuring some exclusive extracts from the diary of van Persie’s father from when young Robin was an aspiring artist.


::: A Portrait of the Arsenalist as a Young Man :::

WARNING: This post was produced in an environment where History of Art is handled.
May contain extracts of Wyndham Lewis and Picasso.

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