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Posts Tagged ‘Roy Keane’

'Eee 'Balls to you', Gareh!

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Michael,
who has an ace surname and runs the splendid Regista :::
Euro-time is almost upon us. And yet, most of our attention is wrongly focused on the national teams competing at the finals, when we should be weighing up the merits of the real heroes – the broadcasters. Let’s see how the two heavyweights line up.
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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Contemporary society demonizes and isolates its sinners. Rehabilitation? Ha. Treatment? Never. Empathy? Only in small doses. And the case of Nigel de Jong is no different. While Nigel has had a few run-ins with the ankles of opposing players, the cascade of harsh proclamation has deafened an important voice in the matter – Nigel himself. Thus, we present a wholly fabricated yet important interview of the man for you to decide – monster or misunderstood?

Q: Mr de Jong, the mainstream media has vilified you as a monstrous tackler, yet we want readers to see the man behind the studs. In that vein, as a young child, did you dream of being a footballer?

A: Actually, my first memories of my childhood was playing with ants in my family’s backyard. I took a keen interest in how they operated, if they felt pain, and would stare at them for hours under a microscope, carefully plucking their appendages, limb by limb. I couldn’t tell if they hurt because they only shook when I tore off their legs, so I naturally got a gig volunteering at the local Museum of Entomology. Football was far from my mind – I wanted to go to uni and work in a museum!

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(As imagined by Mark from Sport without Spin)

Alright wimps,

I’m Roy Keane. Great player, great manager. Not everyone is like me. Some people, like Ipswich players and those of a moderate temper, don’t understand what it is to live life without compromises. Feckwits, the lot of them. Philanthropist that I am, I’m going to take a little time out of my dog walking schedule to clear up the dog messes that are your lives. Before I do that, let me be clear – you should sort them out yourselves, you lazy, coddled, tossers. Since you can’t, though, I’m going to go box-to-box over the postbag…

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FistedAway EXCLUSIVE:

Roy Keane has broken his silence to Sunderland fans over his controversial resignation, explaining that the real reason for leaving Sunderland was to watch his beard grow up:

Dear Mackems,

I am sad to say that I feel that I have taken this football club as far as I can. There have been good times, great times even: winning promotion, buying Greg Halford, not getting relegated, sending Greg Halford out on loan. And I feel I can safely say that you are the best fans in the world. Apart from Celtic. You’re not as good as Nottingham Forest, but you’re certainly up their with Cobh Ramblers.

I have not taken this decision lightly, but it is best for Sunderland, and best for me. To paraphrase Bill Shankly, “some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you, it is much, much more important than that. It’s about having a beard

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