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Posts Tagged ‘Tony Pulis’

Looky, Shouty, Pointy, Hungry, Oi-oi!, Bleurgh

A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.

The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44” Lovejoy.

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TONY PULIS CAN HAZ INVISIBUL SANGWIDGE

Stoke City F.C. are leaving no stone unturned in their meticulous preparations for the club’s first European campaign in 37 years. With work afoot to build a squad that can cope with the rigours of playing twice a week, they have also embarked on the gargantuan task of making thousands upon thousands of sandwiches.

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FistedAway EXCLUSIVE: With Hull chairman Adam Pearson having placed Phil Brown on gardening leave with nine games left of the season. FistedAway can now bring you exclusive extracts from his garden diary, sourced from his kitchen table via an unlocked back door.

Monday

Made a great start today, just call me Phil Brownfingers! Brought in a few new plants early doors in anticipation of the coming season, and what can I say – they have worked a treat. A lot of people who walked past thought that I would struggle early on, that my purchase of that flashy Brazilian plant was doomed to failure. “It’s just not suited to the British climate” they all said. Well Phil Brown has shown them, shown the ruddy lot of them. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I think I have the qualities needed for the top gardening job in the country. Presenting Gardener’s World on BBC television. Oh, and I am really quite good at the trumpet.

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FistedAway EXCLUSIVE:

Roberto Mancini’s scarf has broken its silence after joining the manager in England to take charge of Manchester City. The fashionable item of neckwear opens up about its tough Roman upbringing and quickly becoming a fashion icon in a Premier League sadly lacking in chic after Jose Mourinho’s jacket followed the ‘Special One’ to Inter Milan:

When you look at me, what do you see? An item of clothing that is both practical and stylish, cosy, but –  dare I say – cool? Sure, image is important – but I am so much more than something to look at, idolise, and then buy a £8 replica of in the Manchester City Club Shop.

I have always wanted to come to England and have the opportunity to be worn in some of the greatest stadiums the world over, places my heroes have graced. You know the calibre of accessories I’m talking about; David Pleat’s slip on shoes, Ryan Gigg’s detachable chest hair or Iain Dowie’s fright mask. It says a lot about Roberto that he was willing to come here for me, and not, despite what any of you gossip queens out there might think, because my colours match those of Manchester City…

Oh, I cannot live this lie any more! The truth is that deep down, I have always been a Lazio scarf.

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James Beattie has today issued a ‘come and get me’ plea to The Royal Bank of Scotland after admitting he feels his time at Stoke City is drawing to an end. When asked where he sees himself come the end of the January transfer window, the burly front-man replied “being showered with money whilst I watch poor people cry at the tips of my fine Italian shoes. Ideally a corner office, but I’m not picky”.

Beattie’s statement comes after a week of unrest at the club. Started by an alleged dressing-room dispute about a promised day off after the Christmas party during which, it is rumoured, the manager and player embarked on a naked brawl in the course of which Pulis’ head butted Beattie. In the confusion, it is also possible that his butt headed Beattie, but all eyewitnesses have since gouged out their eyes.

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