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Posts Tagged ‘Cristiano Ronaldo’

"...and I ALMOST forgot to thank Jesus"

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

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Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel yeah? YES.

It’s an anagram of ‘Menstrual Aim’ and “Maria Men Lust’, but I’m still ALL MAN.

A couple of weeks ago my bearded gaze was drawn like a moth to the 60w bulb of the Champions League final. This got me thinking – at least that is what my therapist said that grinding sound was – is Lionel Messi the greatest player that ever did grace this stage, how does he match up to the superstars of the game’s history? The past few years anyway, I’m on a fackin deadline.

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo’s soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team moment akin to Chelsea’s Terrygate, attempted to fuel the flames of this love triangle. Yet our lying sources never confirmed the consummate act. Until now.

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

We first broke the news about Ronaldo’s bad behaviour in December, when his lust for breaking goals and boundaries threatened to tear Madrid apart at the seams. Then, in February, we followed up on the story as the Alonso-CR9 penalty dispute shed light on the locker room frustrations among the merengues. And now, with Madrid winning a record number of games but still behind Barcelona, we report on the Pellegrini reports. You see, the Chilean’s job is in jeopardy. Manuel finds himself on the hot seat not for his team’s tactics on the pitch, but its antics off it.

In February, when Barcelona looked unbeatable and Madrid faced a mountain to climb, the Chilean looked across the pond (Ed.- it’s a big pond) for inspiration. He saw how the John Terry scandal had united both Manchester City and Chelsea. He realized that only a similar style of adversity could unite his group. And he knew just the slick haired gentleman to play the part of cuckold-doodle-doo.

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Just when you thought that two professionals working for the same organisation could put a personal dispute behind them, just when you start to believe the company comes first, drama behind closed doors manifests itself in the office. Many of you saw the Xabi Alonso-Cristiano Ronaldo penalty dispute. But only a few connected the dots.

A few months ago, we reported erroneously that Cristiano Ronaldo steadfastly insisted on holding all of Madrid’s records. This included impregnation of wives….including Xabi Alonso’s wife. Since the article’s publication, our lying sources indicate the situation has rapidly spiraled out of control. And all because of the cunning Cristiano Ronaldo.

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

When Cristiano Ronaldo made the jump to Madrid last summer, he set a high bar by citing Alfredo Di Stefano’s goal record and Champions League victories. The media gobbled up his remarks – was this another cocky winger or the next galactico? Despite a deluge of goals and victories since putting on the blanquillo shirt, criticisms have appeared from an unlikely source: teammates.

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MaleFashion

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Spanish season has not even started, yet rumors of a Real locker-room tension swirl about. While blanquillo fans dreamed of Cristiano Ronaldo and Sergio Ramos running rampant down the right flank, reality has another thing to say. Or rather, personality. It seems the two of them absolutely detest one another – and it has nothing to do with soccer.

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