Confused Kaka Graciously Accepts Lifetime Literary Achievement Award

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

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Kaka Blames Lack of Form at Madrid on Jesus Christ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.

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Video Game Vault: Red Dead Redondo

Having previously looked at Cacapa The Rappa and Grand Theft Couto, the third in our series of forgotten games is Red Dead Redondo. An expansive, free-roaming sandbox game with a Western theme, it was described on its release by Dominik Diamond as “more brutal than when I went to be crucified. And then didn’t, because I remembered at the last moment that I had an irrational fear of being nailed into wood”.

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Futfanatico: Newsflash – Perez Fires Mourinho, Hires Harry Potter

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Never before have the parallel universes of entertainment, movies and sport, come so closely intertwined. After a dismal 0-0 draw with Mallorca last week, Florentino Perez was not amused by Mourinho’s sombre post game press conference. Except for one part…

Crack reporter Elliott “LiesWhenNotHarassingArry” heard from an unconfirmed and potentially imaginary source that Perez has axed the Portuguese coach after a single game, a record even by Real Madrid standards. Perez told the press the usual spiel – Mourinho, simply put, had failed to deliver. Even though it was technically impossible for him to win La Liga after only one fixture, what with 38 games remaining, Perez is not a man known for his patience. Questions about remaining matches fell on deaf ears – the burly and bullish owner only heard “excuses.” And he had another plan in mind.

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Futfanatico: The Merengue Pie World of Mourinho

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo’s soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team moment akin to Chelsea’s Terrygate, attempted to fuel the flames of this love triangle. Yet our lying sources never confirmed the consummate act. Until now.

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Futfanatico: The Disputed Womb and Cristiano’s Penalty

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Just when you thought that two professionals working for the same organisation could put a personal dispute behind them, just when you start to believe the company comes first, drama behind closed doors manifests itself in the office. Many of you saw the Xabi Alonso-Cristiano Ronaldo penalty dispute. But only a few connected the dots.

A few months ago, we reported erroneously that Cristiano Ronaldo steadfastly insisted on holding all of Madrid’s records. This included impregnation of wives….including Xabi Alonso’s wife. Since the article’s publication, our lying sources indicate the situation has rapidly spiraled out of control. And all because of the cunning Cristiano Ronaldo.

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Futfanatico: Cristiano’s competitive fire alienates teammates…and mates

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

When Cristiano Ronaldo made the jump to Madrid last summer, he set a high bar by citing Alfredo Di Stefano’s goal record and Champions League victories. The media gobbled up his remarks – was this another cocky winger or the next galactico? Despite a deluge of goals and victories since putting on the blanquillo shirt, criticisms have appeared from an unlikely source: teammates.

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