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Posts Tagged ‘MOTD’

A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

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MOTD pundits

Television bosses are considering a root and branch redevelopment of British punditry, amid claims that imported stars, such as Clarence Seedorf and David Ginola, are harming the prospects of young English pundits.

The move comes in the aftermath of the Match of the Day team’s poor showing at the World Cup. This dip in form has continued worryingly into the new season, with no sign of abating. The question of why the team performed so poorly has split experts and journalists.

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Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly – do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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england_cap

Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”.  Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]’s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.

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"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

Like the resplendent Alan above*, I have been taking a break from the WASKAF posts. I’d love to pretend that this was because my Saturday nights have all been spent larging it in Faces with second-string England players, but in reality it has been post-traumatic stress. After about four WASKAFs, I realised that  I could just post the same thing each week. Given that it is called “What Alan Shearer Knows About Football’, the temptation to put up a blank post was huge. Perhaps, I could just steal the idea from Pitchfork’s famous review of Jet’s second album?

I am in awe of the sacrifices made by people who have to be with him every week; paying attention, looking interested, minimising all sighs. For this, my heart goes out to the entire Match of the Day staff, all his former teammates, and the Shearer family. This is for you.

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"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Alan"

"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Gary"

Saturday’s Hull vs Milwall cup-tie left over 50 seats in the KC Stadium in ruins. Many hundreds more were scuffed, leading to local hardware stores being overwhelmed. Yet the Match of the Day team have controversially refused to transmit the Disasters Emergency Committee Hull Crisis Appeal, reports Nigel Spickanspan

Speaking at a press conference, Gary Lineker said “We are passionate about defending Match of the Day’s impartiality. We worry that such an emotive and political story would compromise our commitment to kneejerk punditry, mawkish backslapping and the commodifying of football as light entertainment. We worry about being seen to endorse something which could give people the impression that we were backing one side. When in reality, even if we did show it we would much rather stick something like this right at the end of the show when most people have turned off in frustration at our tiresome ‘banter’ “.

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Back from international week, Alan was refreshed, restored, and radiating the matchless confidence of a man who knows he will never lose his cushy job of sitting legs akimbo on an angular sofa and talking for up to 4 minutes at a time.

It’s very easy to mock the intelligence of footballers- some would say it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but in Shearer’s case the fish have left the barrel, gone to the spare room above the garage, written suicide notes, gulped down a warming mug of heroin and calmly placed shotguns into their fish mouthes. Exhibit A: his opening salvo after the Liverpool vs Wigan game: “Some top players on show from both sides- and I include Wigan in that“.

Sigh. Go on, sigh again.

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