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Posts Tagged ‘Mark Lawrenson’

A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

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'Eee 'Balls to you', Gareh!

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Michael,
who has an ace surname and runs the splendid Regista :::
Euro-time is almost upon us. And yet, most of our attention is wrongly focused on the national teams competing at the finals, when we should be weighing up the merits of the real heroes – the broadcasters. Let’s see how the two heavyweights line up.
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Roberto Mancini waves an imaginary card. Not sure if it is red or yellow. Could be anything he likes, really.

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

  • shadowplay,
  • miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
  • and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

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MOTD pundits

Television bosses are considering a root and branch redevelopment of British punditry, amid claims that imported stars, such as Clarence Seedorf and David Ginola, are harming the prospects of young English pundits.

The move comes in the aftermath of the Match of the Day team’s poor showing at the World Cup. This dip in form has continued worryingly into the new season, with no sign of abating. The question of why the team performed so poorly has split experts and journalists.

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Now, I’m not negative about many things folks – a baby’s laugh, Jessica Alba’s face, and how the debt at Liverpool Football Club is affecting the quality of their half time sausage rolls (they taste like…sadness) but after watching Bambi tonight, Mr Disney should take a good long hard look at himself in the mirror. Just like I do every night before going back to my home to see my family. Some days are harder than others.

Bambi’s inability to stand, let alone walk, in the opening exchanges is further evidence enough that he is simply not ready for the top flight. Things then go from terrible to tyeeerrrrriiiiiibble! The ‘big three’ Bambi, Thumper and Flower scamper aimlessly around with little purpose in their own half. Fergoodnesssakes, they are not going to win over the fans with this sort of frippery! It’s like they’re trying to walk it into the thicket.

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Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly – do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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england_cap

Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”.  Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]’s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.

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