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Posts Tagged ‘Arsenal’

Tomas Rosicky

Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences. First, Robin Van Persie was playing soccer. Second, Arjen Robben was playing soccer. Could it be true, we thought? Have they conquered their injury troubles? We did a little digging though, and soon Van Marwijk’s terrifying plan came to light. And beware – it flies in the face of reality.

As any Arsenal fan can attest, Robin Van Persie is the perfect forward – a good frame, increasingly two-footed, and with a wonderful pivot, the Dutchman can dominate games when fit. That, however, has been the sticking point: “when fit.” Van Persie suffers from a unique medical condition known as “soresy ankles”, in which the slightest anticipation of pain causes them to cave in. Van Marwijk fields Van Persie when fit, but grew frustrated by the chronic injuries. He hatched a plan – could he create the perfect player by eliminating the boy’s ankles? Or replacing them? But how? And with whom?

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Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly – do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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robinvanpersie

Head on over to the incomparable The Run of Play to read our guestpost featuring some exclusive extracts from the diary of van Persie’s father from when young Robin was an aspiring artist.


::: A Portrait of the Arsenalist as a Young Man :::

WARNING: This post was produced in an environment where History of Art is handled.
May contain extracts of Wyndham Lewis and Picasso.

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jasper-carrott

Bad blood rose to the surface of old wounds at the Emirates on Saturday. Following a deeply unfunny quip from the stadium announcer, the Birmingham City fans in the away end launched into a lusty appreciation of the ‘funny’ man and City fan Jasper Carrott, disgusting Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

“Frankly, that is atrocious” spat Wenger. “They will not be remembered for the quality of their comedy choice. Stewart Lee grew up in the West Midlands, they could have picked him instead. More than that though, the insensitivity they have shown is the worst aspect of all this. Alan Davies was here, I don’t know how he felt about the chants. Still, he hasn’t been anything resembling a comedian in years, so may not have even noticed”.

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