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Posts Tagged ‘Michael Owen’

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences. First, Robin Van Persie was playing soccer. Second, Arjen Robben was playing soccer. Could it be true, we thought? Have they conquered their injury troubles? We did a little digging though, and soon Van Marwijk’s terrifying plan came to light. And beware – it flies in the face of reality.

As any Arsenal fan can attest, Robin Van Persie is the perfect forward – a good frame, increasingly two-footed, and with a wonderful pivot, the Dutchman can dominate games when fit. That, however, has been the sticking point: “when fit.” Van Persie suffers from a unique medical condition known as “soresy ankles”, in which the slightest anticipation of pain causes them to cave in. Van Marwijk fields Van Persie when fit, but grew frustrated by the chronic injuries. He hatched a plan – could he create the perfect player by eliminating the boy’s ankles? Or replacing them? But how? And with whom?

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Phil 'Phil Brown' Brown :: 2006-2010

We at Fisted Away need some compassionate leave in order to come to terms with today’s sad news about Phil Brown leaving Hull City. Before we can give a considered and heartfelt response, we would like to first reminisce. Try and remember Phil Brown as he was, not how he left us; look back fondly at the times he made us laugh, and the times he made us also laugh.

Hull City fear the worst as Phil Brown progresses to speaking in fourth, fifth person

“My attempt to sign Michael Owen is not a publicity stunt” sings Phil Brown

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Capello reign of England has been characterised by one theme: discipline. From intense training sessions to WAG and cell phone bans, the Italian has instilled a meritocratic selection regime fueled by the foot soldier’s mentality. Which makes the recent untrue rumour of his prank on Michael Owen all the more shocking.

Owen has been Capello’s bogeyman, his mercurial form for Manchester United eliciting calls for selection and rejection, sometimes in the same day. Yet a telephone call by the Italian a few months ago set in chain a prank crueller than the injury inducing fate of the striker’s blotted career.

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With Jermain Defoe’s astonishing five goal haul almost certainly confirming his place in the England squad for South Africa*, spare a thought for Michael Owen. The ex-England striker is believed to have spent a blurred Sunday night re-watching his 1998 goal against Argentina, six times. Which is a whole one more than five.

The video showcase began sometime around 4.46pm on Sunday as Defoe drilled in his fifth goal. Owen’s neighbours reported hearing an exasperated Martin Tyler, seemingly hired for the day, forced to provide live commentary each time that the striker rewound the clip. Though some ear witnesses swore that they heard “noticeable wails” from Owen whenever Tyler said the words “this 18-year-old has electrified the world”.

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Darren-Bent-001

Sunderland striker Darren Bent has spoken of his delight at representing England rubbishly against Brazil at an FA press conference this morning. FistedAway listened in:

I’ve dreamed of playing rubbish against Brazil since I was a small boy. Imagine then my delight when Fabio gave me the call to say “Darren, get yourself over to Qatar, I need you to play rubbish in a friendly“. It was like all my Christmasses had come at once, but this time my parents had actually bothered to get me a present.

Basically, I’m just pleased to be getting another shout. I thought that I wouldn’t get another chance to play rubbish for England, that 2006 would forever be the pinnacle of my rubbish international career. I only hope that Mr Capello gives me the chance to play rubbish at a World Cup. That is my rubbish dream”.

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owen_crutches-thumb-180x306-89619 owenh

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Owen signing threw Red Devils fans for a loop this summer, and the obvious question surfaced: why? Why on God’s green Earth did Sir Alex sign him? Was this the shrewdest of business deals? Is Owen intended to be this season’s Henrik Larsson? Or did Sir Alex merely wish to rub salt in the Scousers’ wounds? To uncover Sir Alex’s motivation, we must look no further than United’s forgotten midfield fulcrum: Owen Hargreaves.

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alexfergusonbarrel

Sir Alex Ferguson today insisted that Manchester United were not facing any financial hardship,  whilst inexplicably wearing a barrel. Speaking at the launch of Manchester United’s 2009-10 away kit – “Skins” – the manager sought to calm Manchester United supporters worried about a lack of transfer activity so far during the off season.

“There are some amazing numbers being talked about, not all of them realistic”, the rubicund Scotsman gurgled. ” Sure we could go about, spending our money, chasing the fleeting promise of glory like a grubby ten pound note in the wind. Just out of reach, DAMMIT.  But that would be irresponsible.

Are you….are you going to finish that soup?”

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