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Posts Tagged ‘Daily Mail’

Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel yeah? YES.

It’s an anagram of ‘Menstrual Aim’ and “Maria Men Lust’, but I’m still ALL MAN.

A couple of weeks ago my bearded gaze was drawn like a moth to the 60w bulb of the Champions League final. This got me thinking – at least that is what my therapist said that grinding sound was – is Lionel Messi the greatest player that ever did grace this stage, how does he match up to the superstars of the game’s history? The past few years anyway, I’m on a fackin deadline.

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Black 'Blacky' Armband : 1850-2010

Premier League clubs will next weekend join forces and don black armbands in memory of Black Armband. In an official statement Premier League ideas man Richard Scudamore said “The loss of Black Armband has been a massive shock to the whole footballing community. After some deliberation, we have decided that the most appropriate gesture in the circumstances would be the wearing of black armbands, or the favoured black tape.  In this way, we can send a message that Black Armband will never be forgotten”.

Tributes have also poured in from current and ex professionals, with ex-Newcastle and England front-man Alan Shearer deeply affected by the loss.  “It was very close to my heart. Literally. My heart is, of course, in my elbows”.

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martin_samuel

Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel, yeah? Martin is derived from ‘God of War’ and Samuel means ‘God has heard’. Get that? ‘God of War, God has heard’. God fears ME.

I can tell from the way that you look deep into my beards that you want to lay your head there and go to sleep. I like to watch you breathe and feel your hot breath waft through my bearded forest.

This week my beardy eyes have been drawn to Giles Smith’s ‘Top 50 Chelsea Players’. All well and good I thought, but someone should get the leading authority on Chelsea Football Club to write their own list. Unfortunately Tim Lovejoy wasn’t available, so I’ve been asked to do it instead.

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