A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.
The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44” Lovejoy.
Opinion polls conducted with a supporters group in attendance revealed disappointment at the conspicuous lack of the following:
- overhit and/or miscontrolled passes
- THOSE types of players
- booing racial abuse victims
- berating players who had the temerity to suffer career-threatening injuries against their club.
Parents groups were also outraged at the content of the advert. “There wasn’t a single player bellowing obscenities down the camera at me” said one tearful mother “Who else is going to teach my children about swearing? Their fucking teachers? They’re all too busy striking for the right to date 15-year-olds, as I understand it.”
The poll revealed the worst aspect of all to be the decision to present the advert from the point-of-view of Tony Pulis’ hat, itself a terrible advert for headwear.
Top advertising industry expert Jez Jeremy admitted the advert left him confused. “After all that jumping, punching and screaming, I’m not entirely sure what they are actually selling – if you pushed me, I’d have to guess ‘warrior orgasms’?”
This latest embarrassment for the league follows on from an farcical episode during the 2009-10 season where the Premier League inadvertently became a great advert for the Bundesliga for 3 months.
Thankfully, fans presumed that the German league’s full stadiums, happy fans, tactical variation and exciting play had to be some kind of soap opera, and quickly dismissed it for not being as good as Dream Team.