Reports emanating from the locality of the Sky Sports News ticker suggest that the managers of the bottom five Premier League clubs have ordered their players to shoot on sight, in an attempt to ease their goals crisis and avoid relegation.
However, several current squad members and meddling ex-players who are out of work at the moment, have criticised the move and blamed their under pressure Gaffers for sparking a panic-shooting crisis. News has been filtering out of training complexes throughout the day, revealing 2-3 hour long queues in shooting practice, ball rationing and even fisticuffs as tempers flared in the unseasonable warm weather.
With some clubs worried they will run out of goals completely before the end of the week, special measures have been put in place. This has included sessions after training where players can top up on goals, as well as giving them special dispensation to store up to 5 goals at home, just in case.
This advice was latter withdrawn after industry experts warned that keeping goals at home could be dangerous. One unnamed player suffered 40% bruising all over his body after trying to decant some of his goals into the kitchen sink.
However, the view wafting down the corridors at the League Managers Association is that the problem doesn’t stem from a scarcity of available goals, nor the misguided advice given by managers, but has in fact been created entirely by the strikers themselves, with chairman Howard Wilkinson calling all strikers “totally unjustified”.