::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.
A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.
When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.
The awards ceremony was awkward. The Board of Directors suspected something was amiss, but tried to save face by asking legitimate questions. Kaka replied with aplomb and plenty of good nature, albeit confusedly so.
When queried on the message of “The Metamorphosis”, Kaka assumed they referred to his recovery from injury and in his butchered English said “You become the monster with your hard work, but then you become more than the hard work.”
When asked about the true ending to “The Castle,” Kaka blushed and assumed they referred to his extravagant marriage to his wife in a real life castle. He stated “Some were jealous and found it to be too big and depressing, but they forget the everyday is beginning something new. The castle was our heart. And our heart the castle.”
Literary critics took dutiful notes. An actual football fan was in attendance, though, and recognized the Brazilian star. During the audience Q & A, he asked him “Do you think you may stay fit and score a goal this season?” Kaka immediately grew irate. He quipped back “Who is this, The Joker? I stand by my body and prior works. It is only for Madrid to pass The Judgment.”