::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences. First, Robin Van Persie was playing soccer. Second, Arjen Robben was playing soccer. Could it be true, we thought? Have they conquered their injury troubles? We did a little digging though, and soon Van Marwijk’s terrifying plan came to light. And beware – it flies in the face of reality.
As any Arsenal fan can attest, Robin Van Persie is the perfect forward – a good frame, increasingly two-footed, and with a wonderful pivot, the Dutchman can dominate games when fit. That, however, has been the sticking point: “when fit.” Van Persie suffers from a unique medical condition known as “soresy ankles”, in which the slightest anticipation of pain causes them to cave in. Van Marwijk fields Van Persie when fit, but grew frustrated by the chronic injuries. He hatched a plan – could he create the perfect player by eliminating the boy’s ankles? Or replacing them? But how? And with whom?
Arjen Robben led Bayern Munich to a domestic double and the Champions League final, his dribbling wizardry leaving defenders in his wake. Yet, as the World Cup wore on, the cartilage in his knee wore out. And then a lightning ray of brilliance struck Van Marwijk – he must combine the two. Immediately. And then a nefarious evil scientist entered the frame.
Using the cutting age 1986 technology of telepods, Van Marwijk lured the striker and winger into the large mechanical contraption by lying and saying it was a “futuristic sauna.” Before the Dutchmen realized it was a ruse, the Coach flipped the lever. The results speak for themselves – Holland reached the final and barely lost to Spain in extra-time. However, something awful occurred in that pod which the Dutch coach could never fathom. An unspeakable horror, a miscalculation, a human error.
Soon after the World Cup ended, Van Persie and Robben returned to the trainer’s table. Van Marwijk was perplexed – how could his perfect fusion have ended in disaster? He watched the security tape to the telepod room, and, to his despair, realized that a third entity had entered the pod. Van Persie and Robben had left the telepod unsuspectingly, but the third person’s genes had contaminated them to the core. And then, a few hours later, a hideous monstrosity emerged from the telepod, hungry for human blood and virtually unstoppable. Yes, we speak of the dreaded and heinous….