Following fresh accusations of vote-buying, the Russia 2018 World Cup bid team has sought to reassure FIFA with a clear, open and transparent bribe.
Speaking at a press conference in the bid headquarters of an abandoned steel mill, bid chief Alexei Sorokin expressed his disappointment at the fact these accusations were mentioned without using any of the code words. “Hosting the World Cup in Russia would be a monumental occasion and we would not dream of doing anything to damage that”, urged the bid chief. “Of course, we also wouldn’t dream of doing anything to your kneecaps, or that soft, soft face”.
FIFA President Sepp Blatter echoed Sorokin’s comments, only pausing to tug at his collar and gulp hard. “Here at FIFA, we are committed to a complete, impartial and balanced approach. In order to remain balanced, it is imperative that I have a briefcase for each hand”.
Though Sorokin confirmed that he had met with suspended FIFA executive Amos Adamu, he insisted that this visit was “in conformity with FIFA rules” and expressed his full support for the FIFA ethics committee‘s investigation into vote trading allegations. These wisecracks lightened the mood greatly.
FIFA confirmed that in spite of the controversy dogging the bidding process, the vote will still be mimed on December 2. Though even before it has begun, some voters have expressed confusion at the curious format of the heavy, round, gold ballot papers.