Following the release of Pro Evolution Soccer 2011, FistedAway has decided to take a look* back at some of the star players of the original, and true Galacticos: the Master League Default Team.
They say that you know you are truly famous when you are known by one name. Madonna. Kylie. Castolo. Minanda. These are names of legend, names that shall echo through the ages. Unless they have inexplicably changed between editions, or something. These men – nay, these demigods – have served with dignity for you, for many a season. Though usually just the one, until that day you accidentally get simultaneous bids accepted for three goalkeepers you clearly don’t need, panic, and sell these losers off.
After Castolo’s contract expired he left for the MLS, as the star signing of the Liberty City Drivebys. It was here that an otherwise distinguished career ended on a sour and violent note. Castolo was arrested after sampling the seedy underbelly of Liberty City Life; cruising home after a late night drinking session at Maisonette 9, he stopped to pick up a prostitute. After making a stop in a secluded alley, where he received an unexpected boost to his stamina rating, Castolo demanded his money back before beating the helpless woman with a baseball bat which she described at the trial as “appearing from nowhere before morphing into a pistol, then an Uzi, then grenades before returning to bat form”.
The veteran Portuguese was the long running captain of the side. His calm leadership when those around him were prone to panic almost as important as his ability to slowly waddle up to a ball and pass it, quite often to one of his team mates. At 37 Minanda finally decided to call it quits, and found employment outside the game, after dismissing a move into coaching mode as “unthinkable and pointless”. He appears as an unlockable character in the latest Tony Hawks and has proven adequately popular with fans of the series. His special moves are the ‘Duvet Kickflip’, the ‘Yawn 720’ and his signature move the ‘Ollie Naptime’ which consists of sitting down on the skateboard and pulling himself along on his fat heels. This move can be performed for up to twelve metres, unless Minanda finds a shady tree to kip under.
This popular German centre-back was primarily known for his strong play, and a willingness to respond quickly to frantic jabs of a Square button. He is less well known however for his brief foray into acting. Retiring from the game whilst still in his 20s, Baumann looked to forge himself a second career as an actor, like such luminaries as Stan Collymore and Vinnie Jones. Despite approaching his new calling with the same ferocious lumbering energy that had served him so well in his playing days he quickly found himself typecast and frustrated. He has to date only appeared in World War 2 games. Name any highly charged romp through war torn Europe and you’ve probably shot him in the face, sliced him up with a bayonet or dissembled him with a potato masher. When he finally landed a speaking role in Medal of Honour: Heroes 2, Baumann spoke excitedly of getting his big break. Unfortunately, his role as German Guard No.2, no, not him, the one on the left…no, the other left was not it, as the only lines Baumann had were:
2) “For you Tommy ze war iz over”
3) “Mein got, zer prisoners are escaping”.
The German was forced to retire last year after debilitating pwning injuries.
Despite being just 23 years of age and having a whole development curve ahead of him, the Italian-born Dodo asked the club for a mutual termination of his contract. Having cited a loss of faith in the profession, and the virtual world itself, he chose instead to establish a plumbing firm with his much taller and skinnier brother Luigi. In his retirement press conference, he spoke fondly of his brother and all the exicitng adventures he hoped that they were going to have, despite being a pair of unassuming Italian plumbers. The unmarried Dodo also voiced his desire to find a wife “to treat like a princess”.
Tragically, Dodo was found dead last week having inexplicably drowned in a toilet.
Despite passing his peak, the lothario Spaniard was a central figure in the side over several seasons. Playing predominantly as a winger, towards the end of his career he was also utilised as an attacking wing back. Upon retirement he took up a vital role as a consultant for Leisure Suit Larry. Ximelez could be unlocked by visiting a secret bar, where he will offer unique special moves to the protagonist, transferring the skills he developed from playing wide:
- A single tap of the [O] button results in an uncultured heave into the box.
- Double tap to slip it in quickly at the near post.
- A triple tap creates havoc in the box
- Hold [L1]+[O] to sling your balls in from anywhere.