Crack reporter Elliott “LiesWhenNotHarassingArry” heard from an unconfirmed and potentially imaginary source that Perez has axed the Portuguese coach after a single game, a record even by Real Madrid standards. Perez told the press the usual spiel – Mourinho, simply put, had failed to deliver. Even though it was technically impossible for him to win La Liga after only one fixture, what with 38 games remaining, Perez is not a man known for his patience. Questions about remaining matches fell on deaf ears – the burly and bullish owner only heard “excuses.” And he had another plan in mind.
Perez complained, above all, that Madrid lacked the magic of year’s past. He expressed a desire to hire a manager capable of producing spell-binding football. After a lengthy search, various big-name candidates were sought but disregarded. Gandalf died years ago. Dumbledore, well, we won’t run the next few films for you but he’s not available. Vordemort refused to come out of retirement, as did snake enchanting necromancer Marco Van Basten. Finally, Perez thought back to Mourinho’s own words, which would bite him in the arse. Harry. Not Redknapp.
Never one to care about details such as “no coaching experience” or “preexisting contracts”, Perez took out a loan from his bank CEO buddies and pried away Harry Potter from his current obligations. While Hogwarts may fall into decay, the Bernabeu has never been happier. Already, Harry has used his evanesco spell on Marcelo and Arbeloa, erected a patronus charm in front of goal just behind Casillas, and spread a serious expelliarmus potion on the Madrid public, who bend over backwards for any blue-eyed foreign manager with a cutesy quasi-fluent Spanish accent. At least at first.
While traditional Madrid fans bemoan yet another coaching change midseason, Harry represents the best hope for at least one solution – getting rid of the hurling hex charm that American waitresses place on Cristiano Ronaldo.