::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo’s soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team moment akin to Chelsea’s Terrygate, attempted to fuel the flames of this love triangle. Yet our lying sources never confirmed the consummate act. Until now.
Circumstantial evidence has come to light that indicates a Cristiano-Alonso lovechild. First, CRon had a child. Second, CRon refuses to disclose the name of his child’s mother. Third, CRon was in a rush to leave the World Cup while Xabi stuck around until the very end. Mere coincidence? Just a couple of dots that happen to look like a line? Then explain this.
Rumors out of Madrid indicate that Jose Mourinho is already furious with Cristiano’s antics, as evidenced by this exclusive pic. Realizing he cannot pull a Phil Scolari and ban Cristiano from coitus, at least not longer than a thirty second interval for his right forearm to relax, Mourinho has done the next best thing – micromanagement. No, not a chastity belt. Rather, Mourinho has insisted on team breakfasts and beds in the training complex so players can’t sneak home for “siestas”…..or afternoon delights with teammate’s wives.
The word around the Madrid training ground is that nobody will go anywhere near the curiously stained CRon slumber area. In addition to the odor and stained undies from an unabashed American waitress, CRon has taken to the Rosetta stone app on his iPhone. While he has not progressed beyond four word “sentences,” the abrasiveness of his poor English attempting to sound like poor English is worse than nails against a blackboard.
When questioned on the matter by an attractive American female waitress/undercover reporter, CRon responded with an emphatic “Fuck you.” However, when the specificity of the allegations was articulated, he seemingly blurted the admission “Fuck me.” But our sources indicated this may have been a communication mishap as Cristiano confuses word orders in English. Or does he?