Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.
Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.
Following a summer of mixed fortunes where he managed to blag his way to South Africa despite being technically unemployed at the time (“Doddle- I got a mate to sign on for me“), Cole attracted a host of clubs with his spectacular display of loitering by the corner flag in the last five minutes against Slovenia. “I saw him lurking malevolently on the corner, like a kid offering to mind your car for 50p” said Steven Gerrard “and I thought – here is a man who could do a job at Liverpool”.
Cole has also received early encouragement from new manager Roy Hodgson. “It’s a fresh start for Joe, and we’re really trying to get away from that misconception of what Londoners like us are all about” said Hodgson. “Anyway, I must go now as me and the lads have a team practice in this nice little old lady’s basement flat“.