::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
We first broke the news about Ronaldo’s bad behaviour in December, when his lust for breaking goals and boundaries threatened to tear Madrid apart at the seams. Then, in February, we followed up on the story as the Alonso-CR9 penalty dispute shed light on the locker room frustrations among the merengues. And now, with Madrid winning a record number of games but still behind Barcelona, we report on the Pellegrini reports. You see, the Chilean’s job is in jeopardy. Manuel finds himself on the hot seat not for his team’s tactics on the pitch, but its antics off it.
In February, when Barcelona looked unbeatable and Madrid faced a mountain to climb, the Chilean looked across the pond (Ed.- it’s a big pond) for inspiration. He saw how the John Terry scandal had united both Manchester City and Chelsea. He realized that only a similar style of adversity could unite his group. And he knew just the slick haired gentleman to play the part of cuckold-doodle-doo.
The normally reserved Chilean threw a part at his house, inviting all the first team footballers and their significant others. Combining wine and coke to make an Iberian elixir known as sangre del diablo, Pellegrini whispered words of encouragement into Cristiano’s ear at every turn. “Pssst did you see Kaka’s wife? She stopped staring through you for about half a second. Go for it!”
Unfortunately, the evangelical Christian wife stayed true to her man and her scruples, but as the night wore on, the sangre del diablo had a dicey and sinful effect. First, a Guti goodbye kiss to Cristiano that lasted for roughly ten minutes and involved open mouths, not cheeks, inspired some hope in Pellegrini. However, the Chilean quickly realized that Guti was already divorced. Afraid that the infamously coy blonde would merely break his star winger’s heart, Pellegrini escorted the tipsy and blushing Guti to his car.
Manuel then attempted to convince CR9 to go after Raul’s wife, hoping the scandal would also allow him to axe the aging veteran. However, the drunken Portuguese confused Mrs. Gonzalez with Hollywood tramp, celebrity socialite, and party crasher Kim Kardashian. Before Pellegrini realized the error it was too late – Cristiano had already contracted airborne V.H.I.V., Hepatitis X, and Rojohuevoronchasitis, a rare Spanish STD which actually attacks and destroys cancer cells out of jealousy. In addition to uncomfortable itches.
And history tells the story. With no affair to unite the team, Madrid lost to Barcelona 2-0 at home and the race for La Liga effectively ended. With no media smoke & mirrors, the Chilean finds himself in an untenable position – judged for how his team plays.