Speaking from his palatial estate in the Bavarian mountains, the alternate universe Luca Toni has spoken to distance himself from the ridiculous rumours suggesting that he, one of the deadliest strikers on the planet, should be linked with a club like West Ham United.
Because even in this alternate universe, West Ham United remain relegation candidates.
“Me?”, Toni shrieked, tossing his silken locks back “At West Ham? What, and swap this foamy Erdinger and succulent schweinshaxe for some weak Carling and a saveloy? Oh, I could never imagine something like that happening to me. I’m on top of the parallel world!”. As the roars of laughter died down, Toni took out some time from his hectic schedule to look back on his sparkling recent career.
Many pundits have cited his magisterial performances at the alternate universe Euro 2008 as the key point in Toni’s career. As the cold, clinical, free-scoring striker, Toni was the beating heart and flowing hair of a traditionally cavalier, devil-may-care attacking Italian side. Having breezed through the group stages, drawing comparisons with Brazil ’70, Italy went on to sweep aside the long ball merchants of Spain in the semis, and gave the inefficient, haphazard Germans a footballing lesson they will never forget in the final.
But if 2008 was good, the next season was even better for Luca. Though it did not begin without its troubles; after alternate universe Jurgen Klinsmann resigned as manager, following a glittering two seasons in which he won every trophy imaginable, and some unimaginable, Luca was devastated. And yet; walking through this barren hinterland, he found love.
“Into my life walked my soulmate, my rock…my everything. A lady who did me the small service of redefining the universe. I dedicate it all to you, Louise.”