Following FIFA’s refusal to grant Ireland an unprecedented 33rd spot at next year’s World Cup in South Africa, ITV have revealed that the FAI have now sensationally requested that Jedward be reinstated into the occasional singing contest X Factor.
Simon Cowell appeared at a press conference yesterday to read out a prepared statement in between bouts of laughing into his hand. “The FAI have asked – pfffft! – very humbly -fnarr– “can’t we be act number 5?”. Bwaaa! Yeah, they have asked for that really. It’s almost as if they haven’t thought about the ramifications of this at all, and are just trying anything now”.
Jedward supporter Robbie Keane reacted bitterly. “Sure, they’ll all be having a laugh about it now – Cowell sitting up there on the phone to Cheryl Cole. They were probably texting each other, delighted with the result.” said Keane, somehow twisting his gnarled face into even more of a sneer, a possiblity which no-one had previously thought was possible. Much like a 33 team World Cup, in fact. “Of course, SMS entries after the closing time will not be entered into the competition but may still be charged” added Keane, through the corner of his ear, which had now acquired teeth and lips.
Taking a more pragmatic view, Shay Given has refused to blame the judges, but instead questioned the controversial Deadlock procedure. “It’s totally unfair. Jedward were going to find it hard enough to get through at the best of times, but Deadlock was brought in at the last minute to favour the more popular, talented singers. ITV needs the big players in the final”.
ITV Chairman Archie Norman has expressed dismay at the FAI’s persistence. “It would simply open the floodgates, with every act asking to join the final. We had 853 auditions. It is sad that we are just talking about one set of twins. Even if they are really persistently annoying”.