1. Jackson 5
They say you should never go back, and that is certainly true for me and certain parts of Glasgow. But a comeback at this level, at this age? Moreover, I can’t believe the tactical naivety of these jokers. You just can’t continue to play that formation when you are getting no movement whatsoever from the frontman.
2. Maroon 5
I feel that I have a special connection with this band. They got their name from a Dulux colour chart, and whaddayaknow, I decided on the exact same colour scheme for our bedroom, and Teddy Sheringham came round and helped me paint it. Funny story actually; I’d popped out to get some chips for lunch and when I came back my wife had loads of maroon hand marks all over her body, even though my wife was not involved with the painting. Dozy mare! Teddy had a fair bit on him too, so they took a shower. Well, as Teddy said, we should try to save water.
“Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?”, the MC5 famously asked. Less famously, Glenn Hoddle asked me this question at Chelsea after our first training session. I didn’t understand the problem, but I figured that the solution probably involved pretending to be Irish. Begorrah.
4. Dave Clark Five
Some might see having a drummer as the frontman as controversial, but I am fully behind it. I’m sure the politically correct crowd will be dead against it, but really, what is wrong with giving a central role to a lumpen clogger who will hit anything that moves? As I tried to tell Glenn Hoddle.
5. Ben Folds Five
I ask for one thing from people. Honesty. The name implies five members… FIVE. When I got Gabrielle Marcotti to count the band members for me he told me there were “three members, one two three. Goddamn it Tony, why do you call me over to your desk to do elementary shit like this?”.
Always joking, that Gabby. He don’t like it when I call him that. Anyway: Ben Folds Three, not Five.
When I was in Marseille, you were what you said you were. Like when I went down the docks, paid for my usual. Then reached down. AND…and…oh my. I had not thought about that in a while.