Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.
Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”. Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]’s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.
Seemingly confusing Fabio Capello as some kind of Jimmy Saville figure, the striker/midfielder/utility sweeper said that “it would be a dream for me to play in the World Cup. I have thought about it ever since I was a child growing up in Liverpool/Manchester/Pamplona”.
The player’s manager, [insert manager name], was similarly effusive in his praise for his player. “[Insert player name] just has to keep doing what he is doing – working hard in training, taking his chances, and remembering to say that it was all down to me whenever a camera is put anywhere near his uncomprehending face. And certainly to never mention the amount of cash that I had to give his agent for him to even contemplate coming here in the first place”.
Later on Match of the Day, Alan Hansen spoke glowingly of [insert player name]. “Today’s game showed it all. We’ve been talking about him for weeks, or at the very least Mark Lawrenson will say he has and make that silly little noise that means “Ee, I’m exasperated, me“. Gary will then ask a rhetorical, self-reflexive question about [insert player name]. And I will roll my eyes. Look, the boy’s got it all. Attitude. Ability. Anonymity”.