Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel, yeah? Martin is derived from ‘God of War’ and Samuel means ‘God has heard’. Get that? ‘God of War, God has heard’. God fears ME.
I can tell from the way that you look deep into my beards that you want to lay your head there and go to sleep. I like to watch you breathe and feel your hot breath waft through my bearded forest.
This week my beardy eyes have been drawn to Giles Smith’s ‘Top 50 Chelsea Players’. All well and good I thought, but someone should get the leading authority on Chelsea Football Club to write their own list. Unfortunately Tim Lovejoy wasn’t available, so I’ve been asked to do it instead.
I thought long and hard about the great players Chelsea have had at the club during the 104 glorious years of their existence, the practicalities of comparing the qualities of players from different eras and their relative sporting and cultural importance within the geo-social shift of changing generations. Then I ran headlong into a brick wall, the impact forcing any insight out of my brain. As I tried to stand, I slipped on the pool of still warm insight. Its texture was watery and inconsistent.
When I regained consciousness I began work immediately, a single monkey on a single typewriter, and produced my list. Who is on it? Well, I think you will be very surprised.
50. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Since Frank made his Chelsea his debut he has been an ever-present in the Chelsea first team, setting a record 164 consecutive Premier League appearances. He established himself as a prolific scorer at the club and won his first major honours in 2005, winning the Premier League and League Cup. He described this achievement at the time as being “a top top result”.
49. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
When Frank wakes up in the middle of the night he likes to turn his pillow over, soothing the thought racing through his head with cool fresh silk. Just one thought though, then he is straight off to sleep.
48. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Up until the age of 15 Frank was unable to spell his name. Weirdly though, he was able to spell his dad’s name.
47. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Frank is not fat. Everyone else is just too thin. This is what my mother told me when the boys at school called me ‘Martin Hamuel’.
46. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Franks favourite colour is the colour of money.
This is also his favourite film.
45. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Lampard has set a Premier League record 164 consecutive appearances at club level. Similarly, at international level he has set a record for the number of consecutive appearances where you are only realise that he was actually playing when you read a paper the next day and see his name in the player ratings. And then puzzle over how he still managed to get a 6.
44. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
In the Champions League final against Manchester United, Frank scored a vital equalising goal in the 45th minute. The match ended 1-1 after extra-time and Chelsea lost on penalties. I am confident that if Frank Lampard had been able to take all the Chelsea kicks the competition would’ve been over after the first round, the referee declaring that no other penalty could be scored in a manner greater than Franks, and as such carrying on would have been totally pointless.
43. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
In 2000, Lampard, Ferdinand and Kieron Dyer appeared on a sex video that was filmed at the holiday resort of Ayia Napa on Cyprus. Frank claimed that he had only been involved by accident, saying that his cock had merely deflected in off a girl that was just out of shot.
42. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
ITV’s Matt Smith has described Frank as “quite! Simply….. MY – favourite – footballer: of all TIME”.
41. John George Terry : 2001 – Present, 272 appearances, 17 goals.
Its often been said that John Terry bleeds the blue of Chelsea, however I am confident that the clubs medical staff would have spotted such a serious problem. Although John is club captain, he is not the captain of my heart. That would be number 40.
40. Frank James Lampard, Jr. – 2001 – Present, 286 appearances, 84 goals.
Frank is known for hosting a lovely Christmas, and not at all devaluing this special time with needless marketing promotions. Sometimes I dream of coming downstairs on Christmas Day, and finding Frank under my tree. I’d tear off the wrapping feverishly, then he could prepare my brussel sprouts and warm my pies all day.
When I have cleaned myself up, I will be continuing the countdown of Chelsea’s all-time greatest Lampards, and if you’ve been surprised by some of my choices so far you’ll most likely pop your elasticated waistband in amazement at what I’ve got lined up.