Cleaners at the Orange Arena have discovered that visiting ITV pundit Edward ‘Teddy’ Sheringham has actually been continuing a solitary discussion of the most obvious talking points of the Netherlands vs England friendly for almost a full week after the match ended, without anyone noticing.
“I could hear a whinnying unmodulated drone coming from the room, but I assumed that Edwin (a new member of the stadium cleaning team) had just left the humidifier on again” revealed head cleaner Dirk van Cleef. “He is such a slungel!”
“Yes, Edwin too” added van Cleef.
When found Sheringham became visibly agitated, raising his left eyebrow and then, a short period afterwards, his right. “He was very dehydrated” observed Hubertus Schlaag, a first-aider who rushed to the scene. “With no access to a glass of water to sip from between thinking about what combination of “Owen/chances/goals/scores” to say this time, his mouth have shrivelled up”.
Having inspected his pellets, the Orange Arena staff deduced that he had been sustaining himself by consuming his broadcast notes. “He has had a near miss,” said chief medical officer Henk Seksueel “It was only the lack of any ink on them whatsoever stopped him from getting poisoned”.
A wisened and jaundiced Sheringham was welcomed back to England by his friends and family who said it was like he had never been away. “Tez has done this kind of lark before,” said his good friend Tony Cascarino, taking a break from the arduous task of thinking of five things each week. “When I was at Marseille, he used to call me up a lot. Of course, I was often busy down the docks, but I knew I could just leave him chuntering on the phone and then come back hours later and let his dulcet tones lull me into a fitful sleep. But never…never to dream”.
ITV have expressed embarrassment at the incident, but have put a plan in place to ensure that Sheringham will never be left behind again. Speaking on behalf of the ITV Sport team, Matt Smith revealed in his trademark jazz cadences: “We…..wil be –tieing– him to the; back of….The Tactics!
“…..After the break”.