In one of the stranger, yet strangely predictable stories this pre-season, Robbie Savage has admitted to his alarming sleepwalking habit. According to the sometime Derby footballer and all-time Nicky Clarke wet dream, this has included such outlandish behaviour as him dragging a team mate out of bed and sleeping in a fridge.
Researchers have estimated that 3.1% of women and 3.9% of men are sleepwalkers, though no figures exist to show how prevalent it is in strutting half-man-half-peacocks. Or, to use the scientific term, ‘mancocks‘. Further details about the full extent of Savage’s condition have so far proved scarce, but former team-mates, friends, and stylists have seized the opportunity to speak to FistedAway, and we can now exclusively reveal the other things that Robbie Savage has imagined whilst dreaming:
- Savage imagined that he had a sense of style and taste of a much classier man, and that everything he owns is well-chosen and everything he does is wrought with charming understatement. It is one of his more frequent nightmares and leaves him troubled for days. A former member of his cleaning staff who did not wish to be named added “We knew when Mr Robbie had had one of his funny turns. He would rush through the house at breakfast, buttering gold baguettes, whipping up an omelette from his Fabergé eggs. All the while screaming. Screaming for gaviscon”.
- Imagines turning up to training at relegation-threatened Derby in a flash car is a really really good idea.
- Savage once had a dream where Giorgio Armani got a tattoo of HIM. He then jumped out of bed and picked up the phone to call Giorgio, convinced that a train was about to hit his lushly appointed holiday home in Forte. But for an angry answer phone message left for him the next day by Armani, the mancock would have been none the wiser.
- Savage has one delightful recurring dream where Andrea Pirlo appears before him, telling Savage that he is a technically gifted footballer, superior in fact to the Italian maestro himself. As Pirlo tries to continue his speech, he breaks down, weeping wayward tears shaped like footballs, that go harmlessly out of play for a throw-in. Whenever Robbie has this dream he wets himself.
- Savage constantly relives his infamous appearance on Leighton James talk show on Real Radio (ed- see below…). At the point where he quizzically sneers “Caarl Fletchair?“, the studio is suddenly filled by Carl Fletcher, Mrs Fletcher, the young Fletcher twins (Carly and Fletch), and his dad Fletcher ‘Fletch’ Fletcher.
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Now you too can relive what some historians have described as ‘the Welsh ‘Frost vs Nixon‘.
- Download the audio file here.
We guarantee you will never be able to hear the phrase ‘write a letter‘ without laughing ever again.