Following Darren Bent’s Twitter indiscretion, Spurs have met with more embarrassment as their newly appointed social media monitor is only a week into the job and already reputedly on the verge of quitting in disillusionment at ‘the torrent of inanity, self-obsession and quizzes. Oh god, the quizzes’.
Speaking to FistedAway under the condition of anonymity, the monitor lifted the lid on the unimaginable horror of having to wade through every single missive from professional footballers.
“It’s just…interminable,” confided the weary monitor. “I wake up each day, open my news feed and a torrent of self-obsessed inane bilge is unleashed. It’s like Pandora’s box, but instead of all the evil in the world, it’s all the flapdoodle. The same poses – in the same pictures – in the same nightclubs.
“I know a lot of these boys left school early, but I have seen grammar abused so badly that Lynne Truss would have a conniption. Punctuation is either omitted completely, or used exclusively for emoticons; David Bentley discovered last week that a semi-colon on its side looks like a pair of winking eyes. He hasn’t got tired of that yet”.
Even the indiscretions that the Spurs management team had hired the monitor to investigate have become so regular as to be mundane. With a weary sigh, he revealed that “every Sunday morning, without fail, I can predict that Ledley King’s status update will be him saying he is:
“Neva drinkn’ agin….Not til lunchtime anywayz LOLZ!!11!”
Even the supposedly playful aspects of social media have become an irritant to the beleaguered monitor. “If Robbie Keane does that Facebook Disney Princess quiz one more time and tries to get a new result, I swear I am going to cut him off”.
Visibly angry, he commented on the striker’s post: “Look Robbie – you’re Aurora. You will always be Aurora. The one from Sleeping Beauty. Yes, I had to look her up too. You are not Jasmine, and you never will be”.
Apart from disgust, the monitor has also experienced profound bouts of depression, caused by his unfettered access. “Michael Dawson is the only player with a Bebo account. I can see that he has sent out join requests to the rest of the squad, but his only friend on there – his ‘other half of me‘ – is Andy Reid. He must really miss him. His ‘Michael D says’ was a plaintive ‘Where the boyz at?‘ for 27 uninterrupted weeks; until last week, when it was just replaced by a sad face”.
“I had the misfortune of seeing a game of Scrabulous between Alan Hutton and Gareth Bale. I don’t think there was a word over three letters in there. Although there was a bright spot when Bale stumbled upon the word ‘ZAX’, landing it on a triple word score. Though when he put his status as ‘got my first victory in a Tottenham shirt’, I just felt crushed again. He actually plays Scrabble wearing his shirt? Oh god”.
UPDATE: The Spurs social Media monitor recommends that you join the FistedAway Facebook group.