Sir Alex Ferguson today insisted that Manchester United were not facing any financial hardship, whilst inexplicably wearing a barrel. Speaking at the launch of Manchester United’s 2009-10 away kit – “Skins” – the manager sought to calm Manchester United supporters worried about a lack of transfer activity so far during the off season.
“There are some amazing numbers being talked about, not all of them realistic”, the rubicund Scotsman gurgled. ” Sure we could go about, spending our money, chasing the fleeting promise of glory like a grubby ten pound note in the wind. Just out of reach, DAMMIT. But that would be irresponsible.
Are you….are you going to finish that soup?”
Tehsin Nayani, the spokesman for the Glazer family, gave an exclusive, if strangely muffled-sounding telephone interview to FistedAway. “When it comes to transfer policy at Manchester United, the situation is the same now as it has been since the owners came to the club. Sir Alex Ferguson identifies which players he wants at the club and he is then given 100 per cent backing in the transfer market. Of course, it helps massively if these players are free, or Senegalese projects that we can sheepishly loan back to their clubs”.
Following the interview, Nayani’s telephone was discovered to be composed of two cups and a short length of frayed string.
Despite these public statements, some concerned club insiders have revealed that the situation is far worse. It is believed that swathes of backroom, administration, grounds keeping and hospitality staff have been made redundant in recent months. All Old Trafford goalposts have been replaced by jumpers. Owen Hargreaves’ injury problems have been referred to a vet.
Most worryingly of all , there will be 50% less prawns in sandwiches this season.
Sources close to Old Trafford have revealed that Ferguson’s real reason for playing recent acquisition Michael Owen only once every 10 days is due to clashes with his shifts at the Old Trafford Megastore where he will be filling in for a cardboard cutout of himself every other weekend. Staff have welcomed him with open arms, though the cardboard has proved more popular on staff social outings.
Owen is not the only player to take on a second job, as Dimitar Berbatov has also had to pitch in following cutbacks. Assistant manager Mike Phelan does not believe that it will interfere with his play as “Dimi’s general disinterest and ability to play with his back to the action means that he makes an excellent steward”.