Emmanuel Adebayor’s £25m move to Manchester City was almost jeopardised last night with the discovery of a curious heart defect. According to club doctor Marc Whitaker, Adebayor has somehow been playing football for a whole year without a heart.
Having checked with Arsenal medical department, who had taken a break from their busy schedule of rushing players back too quickly, club doctor Gary O’Driscoll confirmed that Adebayor “definitely had a heart when he joined the club. We surely would have noticed something like that. It’s like, the first thing we check for.
Well, the second thing, after hamstrings made of biscuits”.
Using forensic cardiorhythmic scanning, which they insist they did not make up, the medical deparment managed to trace the complete disintegration of his heart on the 18th of August last year. “In many ways, he’s a medical miracle”, mused O’Driscoll, “most footballers playing without a heart would just seize up completely. However, Ade made a decision around this time to modify his game to avoid any running so it went undetected”.
When chief executive Garry Cook was asked whether similar medical problems might have scuppered the moves for Eto’o and Kaka, he sniffed “Nah. They were probably lesbians anyway”.
Speaking at the press conference, Adebayor revealed his reasons behind the move. “There are lots of motivations to join a club. Ambition, opportunity, playing style, emeralds. Lots of people talking to Manu, trying to tell him this and that. But me? When I was considering this move, I listened to my heart”.
“It said nothing, so I took that silence as confirmation, and signed. With a silver pen with liquid gold ink, on a dotted line of black diamonds “.