Hello children and Daily Mail readers. I’m Martin Samuel. Yeah, Martin Samuel.
– Why, yes! I suppose my beard does look like candy floss. It is hair flavour.
Anyway, you are probably all dying to know who is in my team of the week aren’t you? I have spent my weekend closely analysing the games, consulting statistics, reviewing highlights, and making painstaking notes.
Then I took my pencil and jammed it repeatedly in my ear, forcing any new insight out of my brain. I watched the very essence of lucidity dripping down the side of my head, lost forever in the enchanted forest of beard.
I also ate the notes. Needed some salt, the words were bland and vapid.
Upon regaining consciousness, I was ready to make my selection for the team of the week. Well, I think that you will be very surprised.
One-two with Lampard, who holds it up cleverly for Lampard. On to Lampard…SHOOTS!
Ooh, just over.