Kevin Nolan has sensationally broken his silence over his horror tackle on Victor Anichebe. In an open letter to Fisted Away readers, Kevin lays bare his soul and will dive in two-footed…straight to your heart.
I’d like to thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak about Sunday’s events. I want to put right a few of the hurtful things that have been written about me in the wake of my horror tackle. Football is a passionate, frenetic game, and a lot of things have been said; words of angry clay, forged in a kiln of pure emotion. But I would like to assure David Moyes and everyone else that I truly am, “that type of player“.
First of all, it was not ‘mistimed’; this suggests I am an inept player, lacking technique, skill and premeditation. The tackle was as intended, and I met with his flimsy shinpad precisely when I scheduled it. I have the timing of a suicide bomber and the touch of a rapist. The most hurtful claim has been Victor telling everyone I said “sorry”, but I can only assume that he blacked out due to the trauma. In fact, what I actually said was “Sorry…you are such a big girl’s bra”.
The saddest thing for me, is that events like this stick with you. It’s tough to make a name for yourself in this league; reputations are built and ripped up in days. You’re only as good as your last two-footed lunge. When I hear that even a long time admirer like Alan Hansen is calling me a fair player it makes me sad. Sad and angry. So very angry. With a tackle like this, you always get people who try and make excuses saying, “oh, it always looks worse when you slow it down“. But it doesn’t. In fact, it would look awesome sped up, with some Rammstein behind it.
Look, I’ve already matched last season’s total of ten bookings, and we are only past the halfway point. That’s (over the) top, top, tackling. Admittedly, I’m yet to top my referee rant of 2006, but I’m looking to be more consistent so I can catch the attention of the big four. Some people have mentioned my incredulous reaction to being sent off. I was not surprised to be sent off – far from it! In fact, I was shocked that it was only a red card. Why, for a challenge like that the authorities should have brought in something more sinister, like a purple card. Or obsidian. OBSIDIAN. Hey, that’s what I can shout when I make the tackle! Ace.
I would like to thank all those people who have supported me at this difficult time. I received a message from Mark Lawrenson who commended me for “letting him know I was there”. As if that wasn’t obvious to Victor, or anyone with a vague understanding of physics, as I thundered in with a dozen studs. Most touching of all was a text I received from my old partner in crime Kevin Cyril Davies, who sweetly called me a “fuckin pu$$y” and added that “U should make sure U break him next time LOLZ”. Dear reader, I miss him so.