Manchester City chief executive Garry Cook has broken his silence on the temptation of Christ, and accused the son of God of “bottling” Satan’s generous offer.
The Dark Lord’s chief negotiators toiled for forty days and nights at an undisclosed desert location to broker a deal but Cook , working in an advisory role, has accused Jesus of refusing to cooperate. “He didn’t even attempt to engage, just endlessly rebuking Satan’s very generous offers by repeating a quote of scripture from the Book of Deuteronomy. What the hell kind of book is that? It’s no Bravo Two Zero, that’s for sure”.
Satan had built up a reputation as a successful negotiator, securing deals with Robert Johnson, Niccolò Paganini and Chris Martin. For Cook though, the problems lay with Christ’s numerous advisors. “Jesus’ representatives were incredibly unprofessional- poor Satan just didn’t know who he was dealing with. One day it would be God, then the Holy Ghost would float through a wall and chime in with something and we’d have to deal with him being all ephemeral as well. Late in the game, Joseph would try and stick his oar in, and Jesus didn’t react well. That’s an understatement; he’d scream “You’re not my real Dad“, flounce off to Mary Magdalene’s place and we’d be back to square one”.
Negotiations reached an impasse when Jesus refused to demonstrate his abilities. “We all know that Jesus is a talented boy, but we wanted some proof of his commitment”, Cook confirmed. “Some simple tricks, a bit of showboating – turning bread to stone, summoning a few angels to break his fall – stuff for the fans really. When you consider that we were offering dominion over all the kingdoms of the world, perhaps he bottled it? It’s a shame he won’t be able to join us on our journey to Hell”. Sources close to Satan suggest that he had reserved a spot for Jesus in the coveted fourth circle.
Cook however is keen to be involved in the negotiation process at a future date. He has had extensive talks with the Devil and is expected to combine a role as chief negotiator for Hell with his activities at City. “In many ways they compliment each other, so I expect no issues to arise”. Cook said “I have a clear vision for the process and a 3 step plan for success”. Satan revealed some of Cook’s tips for future deals, with a particular view to getting the location right. “Me and Garry had a blamestorming session in my 9th Circle Office on the river of blood and guilt. In hindsight, Garry has helped me see now that changing the location three times did not incentivize joined-up thinking. We couldn’t get a good macchiato anywhere on the mountain, and the desert was hot as hell”.
Satan himself is said to be extremely happy with the appointment and is looking forward to working with Cook and benefiting from his wealth of experience. “I am really proud to be a part of this. We have some great branding opportunities in the pipeline already – heavy metal bands, chilli sauce products. I can learn so much from Garry, he makes Peter Kenyon look like…well, Jesus”.