Lead Ferrari mechanic Gino Gianelli has broken the companies silence to speak of his horror at Cristiano Ronaldo’s car accident , and his regret that the Manchester United star should have been allowed to drive the revolutionary Ferrari Testosterone, the first car to be powered entirely by the driver’s ego.
Gianelli had developed the prototype car as an eco-friendly alternative to the rest of the Ferrari range. When tested against Hydrogen or Bio-Ethanol platforms the S-EP (Self-Esteem Propulsion) engine outperformed them in every area of testing. Power, torque, drivability, economy or reliability, according to the engineer “it slipped on some tight metallic shorts and thrusted its genitalia in the face of the competition”. When asked if he was speaking metaphorically, Gianelli looked at his shoes, and mumbled “Regrettably, no”.
Although still a prototype Ferrari has been keen to raise public awareness of the programme, going so far as to lend one of the 5 cars in existence to Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano represents something of a holy grail for Gianelli and his team. The 2008 winner of the prestigious Ballon d’Or is a renewable energy source; any ego used by the car is swiftly replenished, often only needing a cursory glance into a mirror. However, during the 5 days the Manchester United forward spent at Ferrari’s Marranello testing facility getting acclimatised to the vehicle, Gianelli became concerned.
As Ronaldo became confident with the car his ego levels rose quickly and the surge of energy supplied to the engine produced results far outstripping anything expected by mechanics. Gianelli snipped “the fools only tested it using a liquid ego substitute made from a cocktail of Lynx Africa, Stella Artois and Francesco Totti’s sweat. It just doesn’t compare to the pure concentrated ego produced by Cristiano”. By the 5th day the car had evolved 78%; suspension, brakes and drive train were strengthened to cope with the loads placed upon it, but it still wasn’t enough “He was just too full of himself” admitted Gianelli.
Concerns were also being raised about Ronaldo’s driving experience and skill. His only previous car, his treasured Red 1.6 Suzuki Swift Sport simply could not prepare him for the limitless power produced by the ego engine. He was unable to drive in a straight line, preferring to weave from side to side sometimes in completely the opposite direction to which he should have been going in. Moreover he was easily distracted by football playing street kids, often stopping to ruin their game by stepping on the ball and share an awkward moment of silence.
Most worryingly for Gianelli, the car and player became stuck in what he called an “infinite feedback loop”, the greater the performance of the car the bigger the ego of Ronaldo. Mechanics were so concerned that they removed several features from the cars integrated ego production devices. These included replacing the original wheel, which was made of tanned leather and could only be held by one hand, and the pioneering visual imaging system which made all vehicles seen through the windscreen exponentially worse than yours. “To Ronaldo’s eyes”, Gianelli explained “the following Van der Sar would have appeared to be driving a tuk tuk”.
Despite the concerns of Gianelli, Ferrari chief Luca di Montezemolo insisted the delivery of the car to Ronaldo must proceed as planned. “I took the precaution of removing the rear-view and wing mirrors, but he must have caught is reflection in the polished walnut dashboard. Actually, now I come to think of it perhaps removing the wing-mirrors wasn’t my best idea”.
Gianelli said that despite the speed the car was going, Ronaldo should have still been able to control the car in the tunnel, as “the brake pads were powered by smirking”. However, diagnostics on the wreckage reveal that the pads were covered in a slick gel-like substance. “I think it is gel”, said Gianelli. Based on eyewitness accounts, crash investigators have speculated that a component failed in the experimental ‘Cheeky Wink’ suspension, a theory which Ferrari strongly deny, but English fans are sure to constantly go on and on about, as if that was even the real problem in the first place.