Arsenal v Bolton
“Stained with murder and enormous adulteries,
Great enemy of the entire human race:
One who will be worse than his grandfathers, uncles or fathers,
Kevin Davies is just letting him know he’s there Gary”
Aston Villa v West Brom
“The great empire will be for England,
The all-powerful one for more than three hundred years:
Great forces to pass by sea and land,
Foreign players just don’t understand what these derbies mean to the fans, do they Alan?”
Everton v Hull
At night they will think they have seen the sun,
When they see the half pig man:
Noise, screams, battles seen fought in the skies.
Eee, it’s great to see Dean Windass getting a run out intit?”
Fulham v Blackburn
“Father duke old in years and choked by thirst,
On his last day his don denying him the jug:
Into the well plunged alive he will come up dead,
Here, you wouldn’t know Tugay is 38, would you Gary?”
Middlesborough v Sunderland
“Mars threatens us with the force of war
And will cause blood to be spilt seventy times.
The clergy will be both exalted and reviled moreover,
Weeeellll, football’s like a religion to them up in the North East, intit Alan?”
Newcastle v West Ham
There will soon be talk of a treacherous man, who rules a short time,
Quickly raised from low to high estate.
He will suddenly turn disloyal and volatile.
I don’t think that this nonsense with Joorabchi-whatcha-call-him has helped West Ham”
Portsmouth v Man City
“The great man will be struck down in the day by a thunderbolt.
An evil deed, foretold by the bearer of a petition.
According to the prediction another falls at night time.,
The fans just need to give Tone a bit of time, Gary”
Stoke v Liverpool
“A man will be charged with the destruction
Of temples and sects, altered by fantasy.
He will harm the rocks rather than the living,
Robbie Keane has to be disappointed with that finish. And that one, and the others”
Wigan v Tottenham
“Sooner and later you will see great changes made,
Dreadful horrors and vengeances.
For as the moon is thus led by its angel
Weeeellll I’m sure we all know that Harry has got a few January deals lined up, Gary”
Man Utd v Chelsea (1600GMT)
“Dead through spite he will cause the others to shine,
And in an exalted place some great evils to occur:
Sad concepts will come to harm each one,
Ee, I miss our old friend Jose, don’t you lads?“