A Fisted Away January Transfer Window EXCLUSIVE:
Joe Kinnear has been voicing his intent to add depth to Newcastle’s first team swearing squad since extending his contract at the end of November. Now it seems he has drawn up what the manger has excitedly described as a “bollockbusting” list of January targets writes Nigel Spickanspan.
Having failed to lift the club out of the bottom three, some of the fiery manager’s cuss choices have been called into question in recent weeks; star insult Fuck has been dragging its heels over a decision on a new contract, whilst growing injury problems have depleted the ranks of Kinnear’s ‘balls and bollocks slurs’ derived defensive line. Fan-favourite Arse is sorely in need of a rest, but Kinnear is wary of risking youth-team profanity prospects like Gaylord and Jerkface in a relegation battle. Former club legend Ruddy Hell now has his best years behind him, and has decided to retire at the end of the season to focus on a coaching role at the club.
Joe Kinnear reportedly told a supporter at a cock-fight that fringe words such as Prick and Jizz are deemed surplus to demand, but are likely to interest Championship sides.
To combat the Toon’s recent slump Kinnear plans to bombard the opposition with a mixture of home grown and foreign talent, all keen to rub the other team up the wrong way. Top of Kinnear’s list is the moody French swear Encoulez Merde. Merde represents something of a risk due to a high asking price (£5.6m) and inconsistent form. Its funny smell is just as likely to offend its own fans as it is to upset the opposition. He also sees Spanish wonderkid Hijo de Puta as an ideal addition to the first team. Puta leads the line strongly and is full of self confidence and the brash swagger of youth. The youngster is said to be reticent to move from Spain, concerned about leaving his family, though club liaisons have ensured him that his mother would settle well in Newcastle.
The flurry of transfer activity has continued. Allegedly overheard on his mobile phone at a car boot sale in South Shields, Kinnear is understood to be travelling to Munich tomorrow to try and entice Schweinsteiger, because according to him “it just saands rude, dahn’t it?”. Additionally, a Newcastle scout was recently spotted at an MLS game between the Pennsylvanian Families and the LA Riots, believed to be keeping tabs on hot young prospect Goddamn Fuckass-Tits and veteran journeyman Jack Shit.
South-Korean wingback Oh Bum, is another possible target and available on a free transfer. A favourite of slightly prudish mothers, its subtle play often goes unnoticed, but will get results. Nevertheless, it does lack experience at the cut and thrust top level swearing.
However, the budgetary restraints placed upon Kinnear by Mike Ashley may force Kinnear to settle for unfashionable lower-league swearing. The board are said to be encouraging moves for Ipswich’s Nigel Nincompoop, Swindon’s Barry Corr-Blimey and Robbie “Cunting” Savage.
What is clear is Kinnear intends to mix it up in the months to come.