Back from international week, Alan was refreshed, restored, and radiating the matchless confidence of a man who knows he will never lose his cushy job of sitting legs akimbo on an angular sofa and talking for up to 4 minutes at a time.
It’s very easy to mock the intelligence of footballers- some would say it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but in Shearer’s case the fish have left the barrel, gone to the spare room above the garage, written suicide notes, gulped down a warming mug of heroin and calmly placed shotguns into their fish mouthes. Exhibit A: his opening salvo after the Liverpool vs Wigan game: “Some top players on show from both sides- and I include Wigan in that“.
Sigh. Go on, sigh again.
Having comprehensively failed the linguistic test, he did better on the arithmetic section. Talking over the replay of the Kieran “cursed” Richardson’s physics defying free kick, he used a simple way of counting: “one post, two post, three post“. Thank God that it hadn’t hit any more posts, otherwise Shearer could have been in real trouble; Sesame St aren’t covering four until next week. Still it was intriguing to see the end of the famous potato counting system.
Overall, a quiet showing. I have now noticed that Shearer has a distinct routine in his attempts to convey some gravitas and get the last word in at the end of a discussion, and you can now try this at home, with Fisted Away’s simple guide
- 1) Purse your lips and furrow your brow.
- 2) Look into the middle distance, as if you are posing for a coin
- 3) Nod three times. You have done well, they will all agree.
Saturday’s Football Focus was largely incident free, but did include a wonderfully wry piece on Micah Richards. Beginning the report by describing him as “the shy boy from Leeds” who has “come a long way since bursting onto our screens in somewhat unconventional style“, wonderfully chosen words in the wake of this