With the credit crunch on everyone’s mind, and rumours of top clubs swamped by debt, we asked super agent Penis Zahavi to propose a few ways at risk footballers could supplement their earnings.
When you’ve been an agent as long as I have, you learn to move with the times. This financial crisis has hit us all hard: like Sarah Palin said, we’re “sick with this”. Of course, some of us have private health care, so won’t get sick from you lot. Plus I have gout and that isn’t contagious, unless I accidentally spit some port into your common face. Nevertheless, even I have had to tighten my (Moschino) belt; worse of all, I’ve had to downgrade to lighting my cigars with twenties rather than fifites! I’m still lighting the twenties with tens of course, but it does represent a saving.
Young Andrew “Andy” Johnson has been struggling at his new club Fulham. I have a soft spot for “AJ” (note to self- workshop new and improved nickname) and adjusting to life in London is difficult for anyone. It’s full of temptations- lapdancers, cocaine, smog and hummous are all very moreish. I would hate to think of him selling his hairless body for a little spare change, performing dives into the laps of roaring businessmen. Having used my extensive network of global contacts, I have found a potential role for “Anno Johnmini” in the community. His unique talents would be a perfect match for the vacant role of Trolley Attendant at Sands End Sainsburys. He would be able to run free, expending his abundant energy chasing down stray trolleys; putting pressure on them, yet never quite enough to effect anything conclusive. Every now and then, a trolley might find its way to nestle in the back of the paddock, but this would be more through luck than any design on the part of the “Anal Juggernaut”.
Having checked the appearance statistics, it would appear that young Michael has played one solitary game for Manchester United this season. With his uniquely ethereal nature however, it is quite possible that he has actually been on the pitch for all this time without anyone noticing: gambolling sideways along the halfway line, overseeing yet unable to act, like a non-interventionist God. Such intangibility may prove to be curse- I can foresee a time where he is refused entry to a game, purely as Old Trafford security are unable to remember who he is; when pressed, Michael would also struggle. Faced with no alternative but to seek new employment, Michael’s twin qualities of 1) blissful anonymity and 2) axial movement would make him ideally suited to the logical career progression to a Hermit Crab.
While I advised Phil to stay with Manchester United, the headstrong little mouthbreather dared to ignore me. His career has been on a downward spiral since, with the intermittent England call-ups little more than my good client and less good friend Rio’s World-Cup Wind-Ups: “You is Angel Merkel bruv!“, as he so liked to say, the halfwit. He should have followed the advice that I gave his brother Gareth, which was to be injured for two years so as not to cause himself further embarrassment. Let it be known though, that Penis Zahavi is not a grudgeful man; wary of Philip’s precarious situation in this recession, I have arranged some work for him moonlighting as a Gary Neville Lookalike. Ah! The first results are back from the focus group!
“His freedom of movement is troubling. Not once did he run up and down the same line of turf, pumping his little legs, nor did he stagger about like a drunk uncle when turned by a winger with a modicum of pace. Also, his luxurious moustache is far too convincing” – Farrokh Bulsara, Zanzibar
“His ability to infuriate scousers is unerringly accurate“- Cilla Tarbuck-Barton, Kirrrrrrrkehbeee.
“He just wasn’t ugly enough for me; when you hire a gary Neville impersonator you want to do a little bit of sick in your mouth, but this chancer didn’t even make my nipples hurt with the discomfort of seeing his face” – Mrs Julie Neville, Bury
…………………………………………Continue the research.
Frank Lampard is my biggest client. Now before going any further, I would like to quell any snickering at the back by making it clear that I do not mean in the physical sense. Frank is an athlete, a modern-day gladiator in peak condition, who works with religious dedication and treats his body like a temple. It is not his fault that the temple holds a 24 Hour All You Can Eat Buffet. “Body of Frank, eat it in remembrance of him“. Having negotiated Frank’s recent 5-year £39.2m deal with Chelsea, he is surely the least likely to be affected by the others. But should the unthinkable happen and he loses it all trying to complete the McDonalds Big Win Monopoly, I think that Frank could make a fantastic After-Dinner Speaker. With Frank’s easy-going charm and loquacious verbosity, he could charge literally tens of pounds regaling fellow diners with tales of his strive for perfection, deflections and urinary tract infections. However, sources closes to Frank- his two fulsome lips- indicate that he would be less interested in the “after” and “speaking” parts.