Friends and colleagues of Harry Redknapp have publicly admitted they are worried for the mental health of the Portsmouth manager after a number of bizarre incidents during recent weeks.
Suspicions were first raised after the crafty manager referred to out of favour David Nugent as having ‘stalled this morning’; something that was at first seen as a joke, acknowledging his own image as a wheeler-dealer. However, increasingly frequent automotive references have left some members of the press wondering if there is a more serious problem.
During last Tuesday’s press conference Redknapp spoke of his dismay at having to sell a ‘a lovely example of a Muntari V6’ to an Italian collector, a move which he described as sadly necessary to help pay for the maintenance of his remaining squad; his new passion being getting the best from classic motors, in particular his beloved ‘1974 Sulzeer Campbell’ which he has carefully restored to factory condition.
At a Supporters Club meeting, Joe Jordan – seemingly dressed in oily overalls – denied any problems existed, but following the defeat to Chelsea senior players at the club have broken rank and are voicing their discontent at Harry’s increasingly bizarre training methods. Redknapp has allegedly sacked the entire coaching staff replacing them with the employees of Gosport Kwik Fit garage. A simple enquiry regarding the return to fitness of Kanu was met with the response “Cor….well I dunno mate, could be a couple of days, could be a couple of weeks, depends on how quickly we get the parts”
This new policy is believed to be behind the unfortunate mix-up whereby a routine hamstring pull for Lauren led to him being fitted with a catalytic converter. While potentially ending his career, his carbon footprint has at least been halved. An unnamed player was quoted as being “sad to lose a right-back, but happy to welcome another starchild of mother earth”. The comically-haired goalkeeper added that he was nevertheless concerned at his managers insistence on converting the fuel hungry Papa Bouba Diop to LPG.
Conversely, other players have seen the situation as an opportunity- with Jermaine Defoe particularly keen to impress his new manager. He has kitted himself out with tinted windows, and a sound system that Niko Krancjar has privately described as “louder than the Balkans”. Sadly his resale value has now plummeted.
Speaking yesterday, Redknapp himself had very little to say regarding the situation only stating his desire “to bring Rolls-Royce football to Fratton Park”, before running off down the corridor making car noises.